THE BLOG
07/22/2014 11:11 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I'm Gay and Married to a Heterosexual!

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Shocking as it might seem, societal pressure, hoping it's a passing phase, and denial of self, often lead to "I'm married and a closet homosexual." Yet, it's 2014 and time to wake up and smell the gay coffee beans. Gay marriage is rapidly becoming commonplace in the USA and abroad. While it dismays those who still haven't grasped the concept that being gay is just being gay, and there's no magic pill to rectify the "problem," in all honesty, it's narrow-minded thinking that contributes to the heartache and pain that follows a marriage breakup because one of the partners is gay and the other is heterosexual!

Mixed-orientation marriages are more common than thought, and even less talked about because who really wants to share that dirty little secret? Of course, it's that dirty little secret that the homosexual partner felt compelled to keep hidden. Yes, they did intentionally get married. No, they didn't mean to purposefully live a lie - more often than not they were pressured into believing that they couldn't live their truth because it was just not right. But, now those sands are shifting...or are they.

Here's a little experiment for you to comprehend this epidemic. You might want to do this in private and make sure you clear your computers history once you are done.

  1. Go to Craigslist.
  2. Pick any city, however, go for some bigger metropolitan areas like Los Angeles, New York, Atlanta, Denver, etc. However, you might even try your home city and see what happens.
  3. Then, click on the "Men Seeking Men" link under personals.
  4. Once there, enter "down low" or "DL" into the search. Not going to ask you to look at pics or anything, unless you are so inclined. Instead, simply count the number of listings that contain those phrases.

Why should you pay attention to "down low" or "DL" listings? Those are men who are looking for hook-ups with other men and don't want any one to know they are looking for this type of sexual encounter. GASP! I hate to say it, but it could be your husband, boyfriend, son, etc. Of course, now that I've revealed this factoid, I feel like Judas. On the other hand, I feel like I just created my own giant step for mankind, and healing the world.

It's time for this madness to stop! What good is it doing anyone, men or women, to resort to online ads to find the sexual release and connection they desire that is simply an inherent part of their DNA? Spouses are being betrayed. Children become victims of divorce. And, the words "Not worthy," are ringing loudly in individuals' heads causing them to take an oath to pretend to be someone they're not simply to make others feel comfortable!"

While the proverbial defense against homosexuality emanates from a space of "thou shall not sin," is learned, curiosity seekers have explored the possibility of "is it a sin or isn't it?" The American Psychological Association and other medical professions have found...homosexuals are just humans too...not freaks! Of course, in order to see another point of view means being curious and open to other perspectives. And there in lies the reason that I'm going step out onto the comment backlash limb and say, "Anyone who is hiding in a heterosexual marriage who is gay, it's not necessarily all your fault!" Enough said. Let the backlash begin!

Honestly, everyone is hiding in something, even in his or her religious and spiritual beliefs. Now I know the stones are going to fly. But before you cast that stone, look at the glass house you're about to break! Think about this. What if the rules of engagement were reversed? Imagine a world where heterosexuality was the minority, and if you opened your mouth about your "lifestyle" you'd be called unacceptable, a freak, and damned to hell! How do you like them apples?

We live in a world where not fitting the mold is unacceptable. Thus the reason many men and women find the means to pretend to be heterosexual when in reality they're homosexual! Yuck! Anytime you're pretending to be someone you're not means you're having pretend relationships...ok, I can't own that concept. Picked it up from Martha Beck!

So let's get back to why men (women too), step willingly into marriages of the heterosexual kind when they know they're gay.

  1. Religious beliefs. I'm not here to debate religious ya, ya! I'm religious and know there's something bigger than me that brought me to this world. That doesn't mean I completely understood why it was such a huge battle to come to terms with my maker, until I invited him/her into the conversation. That's when my beliefs changed! I knew that I wasn't made in the likeness for no, no reason!
  2. Is it real or is it a passing phase? Ironically, you don't have to be a teenager amped up on hormones, trying to figure out your sexual orientation. People of all ages battle their sexual identity until they don't! It's not about getting your rocks off or exploring an alternate sexual experience, it's about standing proudly in my sexual orientation as "Gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual, queer, questioning, etc!" Yes the alphabet is changing and if you're not up on the lingo, then I'd suggest you get up to speed on the sexual lingo.
  3. Fear of the unknown. When was the last time you did something completely based on faith and not fearing what the outcome was? Just as I thought. Your ashen white face tells the true answer to that question. We're humans and we don't like to do stuff without knowing the outcome. The truth is, if you're not sure of what it would mean to "come out" and live your sexual truth, then there's a really high possibility that you won't take that risk. Why would you? You could lose friends, family, jobs, etc. Not fun!
  4. It's abnormal and I might not be good at it! Ok, relationships in general are abnormal! Admit it. No one really teaches us how to do relationships, they simply organically grow and become. Now add into the mix, a gay relationship, which no one teaches you how to do...ok, maybe a few people are writing books, giving talks, and teaching this stuff...but the truth is there's not a grand master plan for having a gay relationship! Want to make millions? Teach people how to have homosexual relationships! Oh wait, that's my gig so back off!
  5. Acceptance of self is a bitch! Sorry for the profanity, but can we go back to middle, high school, or college? When did you ever attend a class that taught you the value of accepting yourself just the way you are? Oh, and bless them, they may have birthed you, but it's few and far between that parents raise their kids, millennials excluded to be honestly who they are without regrets. Crazy concept I know! The good news is, the sooner you accept yourself for who you are, as you are, the sooner you'll be ecstatically at ease and happy!

That's it! Ok, maybe it's not the 10 Commandments of How to Accept Yourself as a gay man/woman trapped in a heterosexual relationship, but dig beneath the surface and you'll discover that anyone of these rules will help you achieve an more authentic way of being in your life, speaking your honest truth without regrets. And, when you can live a regret free life...anything is possible.