In consideration of the recent developments which have been extensively chronicled, and in light of the present situation causing widespread concerns, the Government of Egypt wishes to make the following statement:
The nation of Egypt is one of the world's great civilizations, with an honored tradition that traces back for many thousands of years.
This great Egyptian civilization rests upon the bedrock of stability, which has enabled it to endure and prosper through millennia.
The Pharaohs didn't raise a bunch of quitters -- we're not going anywhere.
The future of the Egyptian nation rests in the hands of its youth, and all Egypt looks with pride at the recent activities of Egyptian youth speaking out for their rights in many venues, even at the price of occasional disorder.
The Government of Egypt still can't figure out the privacy settings on Facebook. (It also considers Twitter a complete waste of time. Just in case there was curiosity on this question.)
The Government of Egypt has heard the message of Egyptian youth and is grateful to be reminded of their many noble strivings and their dreams. We now say to them, with all sincerity, "Your words will not be forgotten -- you can go home now."
We mean it: You can go home now.
The Government of Egypt takes seriously the concerns of the Egyptian people, including not only the youth but all those who have joined with the youth in the recent demonstrations.
We take a less kindly view regarding those from outside who would agitate against the interests of the Egyptian nation, and seek to dictate solutions. (This means you, Obama!)
The Government of Egypt, to make it perfectly clear, has had it up to here with those who would seek to dictate solutions. (This means you, Biden!)
However, the Egyptian people themselves have legitimate grievances, which have regrettably been permitted to exist for long periods of time, leading to discontent among the youth and in many critical sectors.
The Government of Egypt recognizes its obligation and duty to respond to these grievances in a reasonable manner, giving them their due and seeking beneficial solutions.
What if we appoint some committees?
How about a whole lot of committees?
The Government of Egypt reminds all interested parties that the process of addressing grievances must be undertaken with great care, so as not to bring damage to the stability and economic well-being valued by all Egyptians.
The Government of Egypt recognizes, as well, that communicating to the world a picture of general instability brings harm to economic activities, and particularly to commerce reliant upon visitors from abroad.
We need those tourists, people!
The committees appointed by the Government of Egypt have pledged themselves to a detailed examination of the current situation and potential remedies. They should not be made to act in haste in fulfilling these obligations, and should instead consume whatever period is necessary to reach appropriate decisions.
Why don't you all go home in the meantime? If there's any news, we'll get back to you.
Don't you have to go to work or something? Don't you have families?
The Government of Egypt reminds all parties that a civilization lasting thousands of years cannot be altered overnight, nor can it be altered in all respects. This is Egypt's great strength, and we call especially upon the youth to respond with modesty and gratitude to that which they have already achieved.
In the sagacious words of the great Ramses, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."
Thanks for coming. Chill out.
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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at email@example.com