I keep thinking there's a number.
I don't know what the number is. Maybe he doesn't even know what the number is.
But there's definitely a number.
A number that's big enough - yuuuge enough, even - to convince one Donald J. Trump to bid adieu to the Oval Office, and go back to Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower full time. To resume his very comfortable (and very public) private life right where he left it. Only even more famous, if that's possible, than he was when he first glided down that escalator - and billions richer.
And he wouldn't even have to pretend to think about Syria anymore. Or the Federal Reserve. Or Meryl Streep.
The key, of course, is those billions.
I'm talking about paying Donald Trump an enormous sum of money, an unbelievable sum of money, to simply...go away.
It would be the ultimate deal.
I say he takes it. Certainly he considers it.
Maybe he sticks around through the inauguration - the oath, the parade, the fancy balls all over town. Just long enough to take pictures, to put him in the history books as America's 45th president. (And Vladimir Putin's first.)
Or maybe he takes the money and runs. Right now. He's already done the things he most wanted to do - grab the spotlight, expand the brand, stick it to the candidates who competed with him, the dynasties that discounted him, all those other elites who laughed at him.
They're not laughing now.
But there's every chance they'll start laughing again before very long. (When they're not cowering, that is. Or screaming. Or suing.) From the looks of things in these last pre-presidential days, they certainly won't lack for guffaw-worthy material. And you may have noticed: He's also very much of a ridiculophobe - at least when he's the target.
So don't leave them laughing, Donald. Leave them before they're laughing.
You, meanwhile - you're skeptical we can pull this off. That two billion from Dubai he says he turned down just a week or so ago; it has you psyched out. Nah.
You really don't think we could crowdsource enough money to capture the man's attention? Please. Kickstarter, GoFundMe - they're just made for this. Start with the 65-million-plus Hillary voters. Add the disillusioned Trump voters who've already figured out that "Drain the Swamp" is just Trumpspeak for "Appoint More Gazillionaires." Then add those other Trump fans who never expected the Bus Tour of Famous American Landmarks to include the Kremlin.
Speaking of which: What about those millions of Europeans looking east with growing alarm? Would they do their share to help make Donald Trump an offer he couldn't refuse? To grease the skids for someone - anyone! - else to sit in the Oval Office? Is there any doubt?
Besides, by now it has to be dawning on the man himself: Once the tiny hand comes off the tiny Bible, it won't be nearly as much fun.
There'll be issues you'll be expected to know about, Mr. President, and difficult decisions you'll be expected to make. Daily intelligence briefings? Waste of time! Meanwhile, the finance minister from Upper Lowvia - or is it Lower Upvia? - is requesting an audience, and you don't even want to build a hotel there!
Boring. Totally, soul-numbingly boring. (Even for your soul.)
Those are the bad parts, true. Eventually, though, even the good parts stop being fun, don't they?
Monetizing the presidency takes work, after all. Plus always having to stick your fingers in your ears to ignore some Ethics Nanny going on and on about how you're violating centuries of tradition, not to mention the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution.
(Memo in the Meantime to the Opposition? Stop talking about violating "The Emoluments Clause" - it sounds like he chose the wrong skin cream! Call it something people will actually understand: The Foreign Bribes Act, for instance. "He'll be violating The Foreign Bribes Act." Got it? Good. Now back to the barricades.)
Where were we? Right - getting out while the getting's good. Who knows? Someday even tweeting may lose its glamour!
It's not a perfect solution, I admit; we'd still have Mike Pence running the store. But priorities are priorities, and luring Donald Trump out of the big chair with the big button has to be any sensible person's first order of business.
And Donald's first order of business? Doing what's best for Donald, of course. That's the beauty part.
The chance to pocket the biggest payday of his life? To pull off the greatest con in American history? To get all the headlines, and none of the heavy lifting?
There's a number. Let's find out.
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Rick Horowitz is a writer and television commentator in Milwaukee.