10/18/2012 08:23 am ET Updated Dec 11, 2012

9 Reasons A Cat Should Be President

Politicians can learn a great deal from animals. Just ask me, Sneaky Pie, a cat, who is running for president. Having canvassed other cats, dogs, horses, domestic animals and some wild ones, I offer this advice.

Cats and dogs believe politicians are like cemetery caregivers, they are on top of everyone but nobody listens.

At this point, we animals would settle for competent mediocrity. In 2012 the so called "Woman Question," named by Lenin, has once again provoked various reactions. Like Freud the two political parties ask, "What do women want?" Animals know the answer: "Ask one woman at a time."

All creatures tread across the rubble of ruined civilizations. The trick is to keep moving. No animal ever goes about dispensing shallow compassion. We ask the candidates to please give this up. Put a lock on Congress's purse. Animals live within the dictates of Nature. Government needs to learn to do this, too.

He that denies the cat skimmed milk must give the mouse cream. Produce the pumpkins. The pies will follow. All animals, in their environments, know this. Regarding enemies, you never know the length of a snake until its dead. Snakes hide. Be careful.

One cat at the hole and ten thousand mice dare not come out. Everyone is an exception to at least one rule. Could you pass legislation to control, or in double speak, protect, all cats? Why would you think you can do this to humans? Party platforms are guaranteed to cure insomnia.
Democrats don't understand money. Republicans don't understand people. It's a mess.

Political elections are not life and death. If you want life and death, be a doctor. A turtle only makes progress when he sticks his neck out. Humans are exactly the same. You've never seen a horse parked in front of a psychiatrist's office. You might ask yourself why. You've not seen dogs and cats there also. We know we are animals. Humans think they are above it, denying their animal natures. Sickness follows.

Stupidity is not evil but both may produce the same result. Just as a horse with a bad rider. Fix the problem. Not the blame. A cat catches mice. A herding dog chases off predators. They do their job. Congressmen need to do theirs.

Vice President Joseph Biden is like Marlene Dietrich always entertaining the troops. So far Paul Ryan hasn't proved entertaining. There's still time. He needs a dog.

I've met irresponsible people but never irresponsible cats. There are some United States citizens you couldn't drive into church with a vial of anthrax. Let them be.

We animals live life in all its glorious uncertainty. Why do politicians think they can control events? When in doubt think of the drought.

Like a dog playing catch who can't find the ball, I ask. "If all is not lost, where is it?"

No animal would ever submit to plastic surgery as politicians are doing. It doesn't make them look younger it just makes their eyes look funny. You could be so ugly you could make my eyes water, I'm not voting for your face. I'm voting for leadership. Think of Lincoln. And I advise humans, if you are marrying someone who has had plastic surgery and you intend to have children you'd better see the before photos.

One man's superstition is another man's religion. Cats feel the reason people believe Jesus rose from the dead is they don't have nine lives. Dogs don't care. Horses would never dream of discussing matters of faith and they are deeply spiritual animals.

No animal would believe the politician's sacred motto: I can't always do it the hard way but I can try.

Your Favorite Americat,
Sneaky Pie

Check out these 9 reasons why a cat would make the best president:

Rita Mae Brown is the author of Sneaky Pie for President [Bantam, $26.00].

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