01/06/2014 06:03 pm ET Updated Mar 08, 2014

2014 Resolutions That Are Doomed to Fail

1. Change name to Carl, so when people ask if I'm related to the novelist Carl Hiaasen (he's my brother), I can say, "Why, no, kind but confused reader, I am the novelist. I'm merely moonlighting in Annapolis."

2. Change name back to Rob. Or Levi.

3. While walking dog in nearby cornfield, strive to keep him from eating deer hooves and other dead parts, for no man should have to clean up the resulting Armageddon of intestinal events.

4. Dwell on more pleasant images in the new year.

5. Read five great books provided they are on the skinny side and don't keep me up past 10 on school nights.

6. Drink more or less or the same amount of red wine.

7. Keep options open re: wine.

8. Set goals. Goals are important. I know goals are important because I went to a meeting about goals, and I came away with the clear sense that goals are important. So, I'm going to set goals. You watch. I'll set so many goals your head will spin. In fact, your goal in 2014 will to stop me from setting so many goals.

9. Take time to remember wise words from beacons in my past, such as my high school guidance counselor who warned me: "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." She declined my request to forgo Algebra II. Goal denied.

10. Learn to spell "Armageddon" without having to look it up.

11. Plan now some sort of summer beach vacation and don't wait until July because by then the only rooms available are in my house.

12. Step foot in a church again to see if it still has that soulful old church smell.

13. Niagara Falls. Canadian side.

14. Re-assess my attraction to Mary Louise-Parker. With help from the psychiatric community, I hope to finally accept she is an actor and is not talking, making brown eyes at, or otherwise communicating only to me, Levi Hiaasen.

15. Gauge whether masquerading as a famous novelist will capture the heart of Mary Louise-Parker.

16. Seek additional therapy.

17. Visit my mom more -- even if it means sleeping in the bed given me when I had not yet attained the height of four feet.

18. Solve the ancient mystery that is tipping.

19. Accept with grace, optimism and minimal pouting my 55th year.

20. Write. Breathe. Write. Breathe. Write.

21. Try to remember what the hell I ever did for fun.

22. Then have fun.