10/10/2012 12:35 pm ET Updated Dec 10, 2012

The Greatest Article I Have Ever Written

I was watching Paul Ryan describe Mitt Romney's tax plan, and the interesting way he explained things really got me thinking. It inspired me to write this. You're in for a treat.

This is the best article I've ever written.

Believe me.

I don't like blowing my own horn, but since no one has seen this article yet there's no one else who can praise it. So, it's up to me.

It deals with politics (basically), but in a way that is so deeply fair. People on all sides will appreciate the uplifting insight it brings to their own viewpoint -- but also insight into those you've previously disagreed with, in a way that is actually supportive of your own opinion.

Yes, I know that sounds unlikely, but trust me.

And you'll have to trust me because I can't really tell you exactly what the article says, it would take too long -- but what I can tell you is that the article is so great because it's not only just about politics, but also discusses religion in a way that is nurturing to all faiths, as well as even to agnostics. Because religion is from the heart and ultimately about faith and belief. Which is why you'll just have to believe me on this.

Belief. Faith. And trust. Isn't that what gives so much value to our lives? We need to trust in goodness. And one another. That's what makes this article so truly great, once you finally get a chance to read it.

Because it deals with so much that is so enriching. Like moral values and science, making them all actually understandable -- in a way so funny you'll just laugh your ears off.

That's ultimately what's so great about this article when you're able to read it -- it's hilarious, filled with gut-roaring tales. But as funny as it is, this is something quite serious and so heartfelt that I think it will move you, at times, to tears.

There's something for everyone. Like sports and celebrity gossip (that's actually true!) and amazing diet tips. And what it is that women really want that will surprise even women.

I just can't actually tell you what's in the article yet, but you'll simply have to trust me on that.

I have to be able to work with editors on those details, how to fill it in and, more to the point, I don't want to cut some backroom deal like they did with the front page where they hatched some plan behind the scenes and spring it on the country.

I want to do this in front, in the public, through meetings with public gatherings so that we can get to the best conclusion with a public participation. That's the process that works the best. That's why I'm doing it this way.

Yes, I know that I could skip all that and just show you what my article says right now. After all, that's "in front, in the public," too. Nothing "behind the scenes" about it. But honestly, you deserve more. You deserve to have my most personal, introspective words filtered first, to let other thoughts enrich my own.

You just have to trust me on this.

And I've always been honest with you. And earned that trust. When I ran a marathon, I told you honestly what my time was, and was honest and open enough to let others correct it. And I told you honestly the heartbreaking story of a factory being closed in my very own hometown, and I didn't spare one tearful detail, even though it was so much less sad than the true story. And when I wanted to be wide-open honest with you, I told you honestly that I would not ever let you see my taxes and kept my word. And I told you honestly why I have always supported a woman's right to choose just as honestly as I was against that -- and that I honestly believe in climate change and honestly don't. And when I told you that I honestly never once asked for government assistance with stimulus money, I honestly thought you wouldn't discover that I did. And honestly I've come up with the greatest tax plan ever in the history of tax plans, I just can't tell you what my tax plan is and be honest. And I only will be honest with you.

I told you, honestly, right to your face, that I wouldn't let my articles be dictated by fact-checkers. What is more honest than that?! I told you -- honestly -- that I would be like an Etch-a-Sketch and keep changing my positions until you liked them. That's as honest as it gets.

So, in all honesty, that's why I ask you to believe me when I tell you that this is the greatest article I've ever written. Even greater than my tax plan -- which is itself great.

I'm an honest guy. And that's why you can believe me when I say that the article is great. And you'll think it's great, too, when I get around to letting you read it.


Besides which, I'm from Illinois. The home of Honest Abe Lincoln. And I caught a fish. And it's THIS big...

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