02/12/2013 06:21 pm ET Updated Apr 14, 2013

Girls Recap: If Keira Knightley Was Lena Dunham

Last night, HBO premiered its depraved comedy about life in New York's outer boroughs, Girls -- a show as insidious and hotly anticipated as a sexually transmitted disease. Think: Sex and the City for ugly people with a fat chick named Hannah (played by the show's writer and director, [Keira Knightley]). New York Post.

Everything men hate about the show Girls I mostly hate, too. The complexities of young women trying to find their voice, who they are, and their intertwined friendships — blah, blah, ugh, give me a tampon and a pineapple drink in a martini glass. Esquire.

[There are] five separate instances of [Keira Knightley's] breasts in one episode. Five... seriously, pack the breasts in. Seriously. Collider.

The episode started off as typical and inconspicuous as any episode of Girls. [Keira Knightley] dressed in an outfit as unflattering as any other she'd worn before. Hollywood.Com.

[An] exceedingly handsome neighbor (guest star Patrick Wilson) stops by Grumpy's to complain to Ray, who handles it like a complete dick... The neighbor leaves. [Keira Knightley], disgusted, walks out and directly to the neighbor's house... He offers her lemonade... [Keira Knightley] kisses him, and suddenly he hoists her to the counter for more of the same.

"I'm so confused," [Keira Knightley] says.
"Me, too," he says.
"Don't forget us," says everyone watching. Esquire

Look, [Keira Knightley] is not unattractive by human standards, though she may not look like the actresses we see more frequently on TV. The Atlantic Wire.

It's not every day in the TV world of anorexic actresses with fake boobs that a woman with giant thighs, a sloppy backside and small breasts is compelled to show it all. It's a boon for the out-of-shape. New York Post.

Somehow, [Keira Knightley] manages to beg Patrick Wilson to engage in an ordinary sex act, which is visible to the viewer in all its dimpled ugliness. New York Post.

The sex in this episode was not intended to be gross, but sexy and appealing. Slate.

[Keira Knightley] wrote this episode, and there will be the usual hoots about how [Keira Knightley's] not attractive enough to hook up with a guy like Joshua. And you know what? Maybe she isn't. AV Club.

Joshua is a handsome, rich, sensitive, well-muscled doctor with a beautiful home, and yet he wants nothing more than to cook [Keira Knightley] expensive food, obey [Keira Knightley's] orders, give [Keira Knightley] orgasms, and generally put up with [Keira Knightley's] egomania. This is so wildly fantastical that I worried I might have caught Game of Thrones by mistake. Queerty.

Why are these people having sex, when they are so clearly mismatchedâ€"in style, in looks, in manners, in age, in everything? Why is Patrick Wilson kissing [Keira Knightley] and begging [Keira Knightley] to stay over? Seriously... why? Slate.

Now, bear with me... this is a little crazy, but another reading of the episode could be that this was a dream... Remember the episode of The Cosby Show in which Cliff, Theo, Elvin, and Martin were all pregnant? Martin fathered a sailboat, Theo a sports car, Cliff a hoagie and soda... At the end, Cliff woke up from his dream.

I felt trapped by my unwillingness to buy into the central premise... In sum, the episode felt like a finger poked in my guys-on-Girls eyeball, or a double-dog dare for me to ask, How can a girl like [Keira Knightley] get a guy like Patrick Wilson? Am I small-minded if I'm stuck on how this fantasy is too much of a fantasy and remembering what Patrick Wilson's real-life partner looks like? Slate.

Years from now, you'll be looking back at the show, and you'll say, “Hey, remember that episode where [Keira Knightley] stayed with Patrick Wilson for a couple of days, and they had a lot of sex?" AV Club.