THE BLOG
12/04/2013 11:54 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2014

Food TV: It's War!

Watching TV these days you have to wonder when dinner and dessert became so competitive. Even hostile.

There are Food Wars and Throwdowns everywhere.

Iron Chefs do battle in Kitchen Stadium.

In Cupcake Wars, even cupcakes have become contentious.

There's Donut Showdown. Who knew there was such an epic battle between cream filled and glazed?

And if you don't win a competition, you don't just lose. You get Chopped. Or humiliated by the evil Godess Padma...

"We know you've been cooking your heart out for 12 weeks, including the latest challenge where you made a five-course dinner... on a deserted island... using only ocean water and seaweed as ingredients. But, it's time to pack your knives and GO! (LOSER)"

Just imagine slaving over a hot stove in Gordon Ramsey's Hells Kitchen.

Or having competitors sabotage your meal in Cutthroat Kitchen.

It's no wonder that people are having Kitchen Nightmares.

Cars and trucks are not immune to the competitive trend.

There's a Food Truck Face Off and Tailgate Warriors.

How about "The Great Food Truck Race?" Picture this: You're in a van, doing 60 down a superhighway while deep-frying a chicken. And I thought texting while driving was dangerous.

The latest craze in food programming: a show called Food Detectives. And another named Restaurant Stakeout. How long will it be before we tune in to CSI Arby's?

I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to spend some quality time with Giada at Home. (Because I heard Nigella Bites.)

Folks, it's time we make food, not war. So I've got a couple of food TV shows to propose.

In one, I show up in a war-torn country with an enormous supply of peas. Green peas, snow peas, black-eyed peas, pigeon peas and chick peas.

Once there, we replace all of the real ammunition with peas. So when the soldiers shoot each other, it's like a game of paintball. Only instead of paint, they win when their opponent is splattered with hummus.

I call it: Give Peas A Chance.

My other idea brings together a group of super fanatic right-wingers with a crew of ultra lefty liberals. At a communal table, over tea and hash brownies, we promote a civilized exchange of ideas.

It's called The Tea Party.

The object of the show is to see which side can go longer without mentioning Obamacare, gun control or gay rights.

Look, food doesn't have to be hostile. In fact, the only thing we should break at the table is bread.

Which is why I always say, "Life is short. Never waste a meal."