03/17/2014 01:56 pm ET Updated May 17, 2014

Quinoa Must Die

Trends, by definition, come and go. But some stick around way past their expiration date.

Kale. OK, we got it, it's a healthy superfood. Now go away. We've had it roasted and raw, in juice, salad and chips, steamed, sautéed and stewed. There's only one other way I'd like to see it prepared: in another country.

Same with quinoa. It's not just weird sounding, it's not even new. It is literally an ancient grain. Quinoa must die. It sure is old enough.

Will we ever be burnt out by bacon? Bacon ice cream. Bacon cologne. Bacon jewelry, candles and pajamas. The 24/7 all bacon restaurant. ENOUGH! Bacon should be illegal. After all, what's more dangerous: medicinal marijuana or eating the deep fried belly of a big fat pig?

Another trend that must stop is this seemingly endless series of articles all based on "what your food says about you." What your sandwich says about you. What your drink says about you. What your favorite junk food says about you. Come on people, what could your cheese actually say about you other than that you stink from cheese?

This is all you need to know: If you're the kind of person who orders a multigrain everything bagel... scooped out... toasted... with lite mayo, low fat cheese and a gluten-free veggie burger... here's what that says about you: You are a pain in the ass!

How about artisanal foods? They're everywhere you look now. I started becoming skeptical when I saw artisan pizzas... at Domino's. (If you believe that I've got some Keebler cookies to sell you that are actually baked by elves.)

Here's the thing: Not everyone is an artisan. Just because a street vendor uses his hands to put dirty water dogs on a cold, packaged bun doesn't make it "handcrafted." And it doesn't make him Picasso.

Does it sometimes feel like everyone you know is on a juice cleanse? Please. My idea of an effective juice cleanse is two Bloody Marys and a very hot shower. Maybe a handful of peanuts.

A few restaurant trends are becoming irritating as well. Like small plates. They claim they're great "for sharing." Then they they bring you three chicken wings... for four people to share. After asking once for large plates, I remember being told that, "we offer large format", because it sounded like large floor mat. But I think it meant large plates. Like the kind that are good..."for sharing."

Here's another all too common practice that should cease: Asking the waiter what he or she likes? All due respect, but who really cares what the waiter likes? Do you go to Mickey D's and ask the cashier what she likes. If you must know what a waiter likes invite the waiter to dinner, hand over a menu, and then ask, "What do you like?"

And as for this molecular gastronomy, why is there foam all over my plate? Did the exterminator miss? Forget the molecular gastronomy and do me favor please: Lay off the Reddi Whip, put my food on a large format and I'll have whatever the waiter likes.