06/28/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

How To Kill Two Troublesome Birds With One Profitable, Gay Stone

Last Friday, Gov. Jan Brewer of Arizona signed a law making it a state crime to be an illegal alien. This law gives the police force the power (and some argue obligation) to stop and question anyone they suspect might be here illegally. If documents evincing one's legality cannot be produced, the individuals can be arrested, jailed and fined.

"Your papers please ... "

Proponents claim this law will protect Arizonans from crimes committed by illegal aliens. I may not have a law degree, but I thought our laws were meant to protect all Americans from anyone who may commit a crime. Picking them out beforehand is tricky business. Let's see, Charles Manson had tattoos. Jeffrey Dahmer and Adolf Hitler had mustaches. Bernie Madoff wore good shoes and owned a house in the Hamptons -- shall I go on?

Opponents cry racial profiling. Now where on earth would they get that idea?

But let's leave the debate behind and discuss the obvious answer to this and another nagging problem for state and federal lawmakers. This country has always been a place where people could begin a new life, work hard, raise a family, pay taxes and be a part of the American dream. The vast majority of people who are in this country illegally only want what we already take for granted.

There is another segment of our population that also wants some rights and benefits that most Americans take for granted -- the Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgendered community.

We would like to get married -- simply live an honest life in love.

So here is the answer to all of our problems -- gays and lesbians should marry all the illegal aliens. Brilliant -- right? First, illegal aliens could then get citizenship and get on with their lives and, by the way, start paying taxes (Hello, Uncle Sam). They would have official "papers" galore for any "I-would-never-racial-profile" officer of the law. Arizona's streets would once again be safe for all people carrying their papers, and wedding planners could be just what this sluggish economy needs. Goldman Sachs may even breathe a sigh of relief. And we gay and lesbians get to show the country what the true sanctity of marriage is: a union between a homosexual and an illegal alien.

Think of it. The Arizona police could go back to trying to prevent real crime. Jobs that nobody else wants to do would get done legally, by people paying taxes. Some self-respect might give way to mutual respect. And once again gays and lesbians save the day. Give us your deteriorating neighborhoods and let us resuscitate them; give us your sagging tunes and let us remix them; give us uphill political campaigns and watch us finance them; give us your unwanted children and watch us love them; give us your illegal aliens who just want an honest days work for an honest days pay, and watch us marry them!