10/10/2012 09:50 am ET Updated Dec 10, 2012

11 Ways To Fight A Vampire

In today's modern society, the vampire enjoys a unique and unsettling reputation. A creature that, throughout history, was reviled and feared has now become one that is accepted, envied, and even lusted after; precisely what their species intended. Through an active and clandestine campaign of disinformation in film, media and literature, the vampire has thoroughly reformed its image with a single intention in mind - to make its existence an appealing one to the human race. To quote a famous '80s film tagline, "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die." What's not to like about being a vampire? In reality, quite a lot.

Although human in appearance, the vampire, once turned, exhibits characteristics more similar to that of the Cimidae family of insects, specifically Cimex lectularius, also known as the common bed bug; nocturnally active, resilient to termination, feeds primarily on human blood, and procreates via "traumatic insemination"; a process by which the creature causes a laceration on its target and inseminates the open wound. While physically desired by many, evidence points to the theory that vampires may not even have functional genitalia, much less the desire to use them with a willing human. Not exactly the romanticized lothario we're used to seeing onscreen. To those of you who have been led to believe otherwise, there is no gentle way of saying it, but you've been had, misled by the very beings that see you as their evening meal rather than a life partner.

The fact of the matter is that the vampire should be no more admired than your typical narcotics addict, albeit ten times more insatiable and far more lethal. The creature is tortured incessantly by its unquenchable desire to feed, and through its transformation from human to the undead has acquired the necessary traits to temporarily slake its thirst. While not the superhuman entity typically imagined, the vampire does possess attributes that make it superior to the average human in nearly every single way: strength, hearing, dexterity and sight. The human race, sadly, is no longer at the top of the food chain on planet Earth.

Make no mistake, vampires view us in a single light - that of an available, uncomplicated, and rather gullible food source. It is my hope that the following information pulls back the curtain on decades of misinformation, enabling you to take the fight to this adversary when the time comes; for it is without question that you are being hunted. Maybe not tonight, or this week. Perhaps not even this year. But if you hope to live a life outside of your residence once the sun sinks past the horizon, heed the following words closely. A vampire may not be the type of opponent you can overpower or outrun, but with proper instruction, a well-planned strategy, and a little luck, this is an opponent you can outfight.

Check out these 11 ways you can defend yourself against potential vampire attacks:

Roger Ma is the author of The Vampire Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Bloodthirsty Undead [Berkley Trade, $15.00]

11 Ways To Fight A Vampire