08/09/2012 05:18 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Real L Word 's Dinah Shore Episode (Part 1)

This was a hard episode for me to watch. This was one of the hardest weekends. I remember feeling so nervous about attending Dinah Shore this year because I knew it would be a drunken free-for-all and some of my cast members would use it as a chance to play "mean girls."

This past year I have really excluded myself from Whitney, Sara and a lot of my friends. I took some time off and worked on myself. Many of the girls took that as me thinking I am better than everyone else, but in reality it was me just figuring out some things about myself and
spending some time alone. It was a really great year for me spiritually and mentally. I realized my friendships with a lot of my friends were based on superficial reasons and they were actually not adding anything good to my life. If I was not drinking or I was not dating who they wanted me too, I was looked at in a negative way. I was no longer the fun party lesbian they all wanted me to be. My work became my focus. I really wanted to explore all my creative sides and try to make something out of my life.

Leading up to filming the new season and to Dinah Shore, I rarely ran into Whitney, Sara, Lauren or Amanda. I knew I was going to be forced into sharing space with them at Dinah since Whitney, Sara and I were hosting together. From the minute Kelsey and I showed up to the host
the Dating Game, the girls were already drinking and ready to play dirty. Lauren got her kicks by trying to piss me off and win a date with Kelsey. Whitney and Sara acted like they were the most professional people at Dinah. Kelsey, Rose and I came to just have fun and steer clear of any of the drama we knew the girls would bring.

Kelsey and I had just got back together and really wanted to enjoy the weekend. Rose Garcia, my best friend, knew Sara and Whit were going to act the way they did. She made sure I knew she had my back all weekend and would be there if anyone got out of control. Thank God for her and for Kelsey really having my back.

These girls spend so much time talking shit about me and hating on me -- for what I'm still not sure. They say I am not really gay because I dated a man and that I have no friends. The truth is that I have some really amazing friends. Just because they are not on The Real L Word or always out in the scene does not mean they are not in my life. I didn't need a handful of girls around me to validate my place at Dinah Shore. I was extremely hurt by Sara and Whitney. They have always known about my past with Jay. They know that my relationship with Kelsey has always been on-and-off. And they also know I am not a bad person. Maybe a bit fickle with love -- but not a bad person. I loved them both very much and really thought our relationship was better than this. After hearing the way they talk about me and the lies they use to gain popularity, I realize why I removed them from my life in the first place.

I really want girls to know it is OK to be different. It is OK to change and turn your life around. You do not owe anyone any explanation. People will always try and bring you down when you are moving up. You are in control of not letting them in. There is too much judgment in the world right now. We are all so different and we have different journeys to take to find happiness. Always stand up for what you believe in and when the "mean girls" attack, stand strong and pray for their happiness.


Stay tuned for chapter 2 of Dinah Shore. It's like Heathers all over again. :)