06/01/2012 11:48 am ET Updated Aug 01, 2012

Why We Need A 'Trumper' Movement

Is Donald Trump actually a human being?

It has been widely joked in certain media circles that Donald Trump is in fact a short-fingered vulgarian. I would endeavor to attempt to argue in this essay that Donald Trump is, in fact, a long-fingered, mischievous form of macaque intent upon bringing about the destruction of the human race!

You think I jest. I mean, how do we really know that Donald Trump is in fact a man and not something altogether feral that thinks it is a man but really isn't? We assume much about Trump's alleged humanity when his behavior speaks to something quite other than the community of man. He boasts of picking up pennies! And where, pray tell, is Donald Trump's certificate of humanity? I demand that The Donald submit to a DNA test so that we can confirm or deny once and for all the proper sequencing of his chromosomes. How can we be sure he is in fact not a quadruped with an amazing sense of balance? My arguments:

  • The hair. This blogger's detractors will argue that in bringing up Donald Trump's unruly mane, I am grasping at low-hanging comedic fruit. In fact, you will see, as this line of argument gathers steam, that it is not this blogger grasping at what's easy; it is The Donald grasping at highly situated bananas on a precarious branch. If Donald Trump is in fact a macaque or some other higher ape pretending to be a human, imagine the ambition. Every day it balances itself on its own hindquarters! It has put its damned, dirty, ape name on our skylines; it has polluted and befouled our politics at its highest levels!

    Human beings quite simply don't have hair that behaves in the manner that Donald Trump's hair behaves, with the possible exception of Rudy Giuliani (and this blogger, quite frankly, has his lingering doubts about Rudy's citizenship in the family of Man, as well). Certain members of the great ape family do, but not Man, QED.

  • Apes throw their own feces. And what is it, pray tell, that Donald Trump does in our commons? Witness: "The big question is: What does John Jr. see in Daryl [Hannah], if anything. I have seen her on many occasions, and she is, quite simply, a 'six' -- and badly in need of a shower or a bath." Do human beings above the age of 7 actually talk like this? It comes from a boiling Freudian id, clearly. But the boiling, rancid id of what species? I would argue a macaque; an orangutang probably wouldn't be an outlandish guess, either.

    If that isn't an instance of tossing one's feces in public, witness this regarding Rosie O'Donnell: "Rosie fails at everything. She had a variety show, it failed. I mean, she -- I don't understand now, somebody else, some moron will come and hire her again to do something else and that will fail." Again, this is violence toward a woman, behavior only tolerated in the animal kingdom and in some unfortunate parts of the former Soviet Empire. Further, one cannot help but note that an alarming number of Donald Trump's wives belong to countries in the nimbus of the former Soviet Empire. Just saying. Moving right along.

  • Apes mock charge. And what is it, pray tell, that Donald Trump does when he frequently runs pseudo-presidential campaigns? The sheer animal spectacle of it all! Public radio-show host and former Spy founder Kurt Andersen, one of the best contemporary social philosophers of our time, said on New York's WNYC last year of Trump and his latest "mock charge":

    What will his excuse be if he says, "I've decided not to run"? ... The boy can cry wolf only so many times. So, he has done this again and again and again. I mean, sometimes he does it as a kind of left-wing Democrat saying that we have to have universal health care, and George Bush is the worst president in history, what he said a few years ago, and now he says it as, I love the Tea Party, and I don't believe he was born in this country, and he's the worst president in history. So it's an amazing spectacle. He is an amazing spectacle, which is why I guess I've been a sort of a student of Donald Trump for I guess these 25 years.

    To be a student of Donald Trump, to be sure, is to be a student of the family of the great apes. More zoology than sociology, this blogger would argue.

What is to be done? First: Join the revolution! Do not let Trump, some exotic and very dangerous form of great ape, bring about the downfall of man. Do not let him and his taxonomic family do this to the Statue of Liberty. Huddled masses of the world, rise up!

The blogger believes that the #Trumper hashtag should be used, liberally, for Tweeters who have serious and enduring doubts as to whether or not Donald Trump is actually a human being. The monkey revolution is in full effect, and Donald Trump is their mischievous Monkey King. Let this blog post be the herald that rouses mankind from its slumber.

I am, until the time as this matter gets resolved in the court of public opinion,


Ron Mwangaguhunga,
President and CEO,
The Trumper Movement