08/28/2009 12:55 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

"Rift Valley Drifters" (VIDEO)

Yep, Pardner, if you're one of them "Grass Roots" protesters who hates socialism and just wants his country back, chances are you're of Western European heritage - a member of Haplogroup R1b perhaps - with ancient brothers and sisters in other haplogroups who populated Australia, and China, and crossed over from Siberia to Alaska to open a casino in Broken Bow, Oklahoma. And you can follow your tracks. Track yourself all the way back to the Mitochondrial Eve, great, great, five-thousand-times-great grandmama of all six-plus billion of us. And if you do, Pardner, welp, maybe then you'll stop acting like such a friggin' Neanderthal.