THE BLOG
12/31/2015 10:10 am ET Updated Dec 31, 2016

News Alert: Donald Trump to Sponsor Rose Bowl

Up to 60,000 University of Iowa Hawkeyes football fans are expected to descend on Pasadena to watch their team play the Pac-12 Champion Stanford Cardinal in Friday's 102nd Rose Bowl Game. Yesterday, the spokesman for Donald J. Trump's presidential campaign, Donald J. Trump, announced he is packing his bags as well.

"I love Iowans, but I absolutely hate Iowa," the Republican presidential candidate said. "I mean, what's there? It's ridiculous. I'd much rather campaign for the Iowa Caucuses in California. Did I mention that I own a golf course in California? It's the best one. I have the best golf courses in the world."

Citing a long-standing policy, Rose Bowl organizers declined to rename the football game the Trump Bowl, but they eventually agreed to rebrand this year's event as "The Rose Bowl Game, Presented by Trump," pushing aside the previously announced sponsor, Northwestern Mutual. "I'm a negotiator," explained Trump. "Just like the Jews, who I know aren't going to vote for me even though I'm the best candidate for Israel."

"This year's Rose Bowl game will be sponsored by Trump the successful businessman, not Trump the corporate entity that likes to file for bankruptcy to avoid its creditors," said the chairman of this year's Tournament of Roses Committee, assuring his colleagues that they would be able to collect the price of the sponsorship. The press has been unable to verify which Trump actually signed the sponsorship agreement.

During halftime, Trump will offer rides in his helicopter to Iowa fans. Helicopter rides will not be available to Stanford fans coming to the game from Silicon Valley, because, unlike his competitors, Trump isn't taking their campaign contributions and they don't own him.

Due to the risk of jihad, no Muslims will be permitted on the Trump helicopter. The candidate, after reminding the press corps several times that he was "really smart," said he will enforce this rule by asking fans with dark skin if they are Muslim before they board the helicopter and turning away those who answer affirmatively.

When a reporter suggested that Trump's strategy for detecting Muslims might not be foolproof, Trump countered that he might build a wall around the Rose Bowl and make Syrian refugees pay for it. He will decide on this by the beginning of the second quarter of the game, after consulting with Vladimir Putin. He then reminded the crowd of reporters again that he is "really smart."

Before kickoff, Trump is planning a tour of the factory in Carson, California that manufactures his famous red campaign hats emblazoned with the phrase, "Make America Great Again." Trump has requested that he be greeted there by some of the good people from Mexico, whom he assumes make the hats, not by the more numerous Mexican drug users and rapists sent across the border by that country's government.

The candidate demurred when asked if he had any favorite players who would be appearing in this year's Rose Bowl, responding that he "likes players who don't get tackled."

Concerning the outcome of the game, Trump predicted that Stanford "is going to get schlonged. Wait - does California have a primary?"