Alert to women: Get out a blank email because you'll be cutting and pasting this article to your husband in about five minutes. I'm going to give him the Rosetta Stone, the absolute end-all key to how to make you happy. And you know what happy means, right? Willing to have sex. Let's just call a spade a spade here, folks.
Guys: I'm going to start with the assumption that many of the annoying things you wife does (e.g., not have sex with you, nag you, sulk around refusing to say what's wrong) could be due to her being unhappy. So, without further ado, here are the no B.S. ways to make your wife happy, and the best part is, none of them involve massive effort or tremendous mental paradigm shifts. Well, I guess they do. Okay, moving on to number one.
1. Agree.
Hey, husbands, you know what would be nice? If your wife could just say something, for once, and you just agreed. Kind of like you do when anyone else talks, besides her. Like your friends, or your coworkers, or your parents, or the guy at the deli counter. It's like the normal human drive to bond by saying you think similar things completely disappears when you see your wife's beauteous visage. So here's an example:
Joe: Looks like rain later.
You: Yeah, at least I won't have to water the lawn.
Versus...
Your wife: Looks like rain later.
You: Really? Looks sunny to me.
I will go on record saying that this goes both ways. My couples clients are often lovely, agreeable individuals when we meet one-on-one, but then when their partner joins the session, they turn, as if by magic, into obnoxious, intolerable Devil's Advocates, which coincidentally has the same initials as Disagreeable Assholes. So, just agree -- especially on things that, if you're honest with yourself, don't even matter one way or the other. Your penis will thank you when your wife stops avoiding it.
2. Just do the chores the way she asked. Really.
It is not an insult to your very identity to wipe down the counter the way your wife requests. Yes, the world won't end if the counters are sticky. But, by the same argument, your arm will not fall off if you wipe down the damn counter. You know what will make your arm fall off? Constantly pleasuring yourself because your wife is too exhausted for sex because she has to wipe down the counters herself every single goddamn day. Also because this makes her hate you.
3. Listen to her talk.
And for bonus points, respond in an attentive, interested way. Here's what not to do:
Wife: Hey, so remember about Kathy? She's back with the other guy now! I feel bad for Donald.
You: Who's Kathy? Do we have any chips? I'm hungry.
Here is what TO do:
Wife: Hey, so remember about Kathy? She's back with the other guy now! I feel bad for Donald.
You: Really? No shit. I feel bad for Donald too, but Kathy acts like a total psycho, so I feel worse for the other guy.
Wife: HA HA HA that's so funny, I totally know what you mean.
Can't you just visualize your wife's happy face as you shoot the shit about Kathy? Visualize that same happy smile when you ask her to go upstairs, which she is likelier to do when she doesn't feel like she is living with a disconnected robot that doesn't remember the name of her maid of honor and uses her primarily to purchase snack foods.
4. Do some kind of romantic gesture.
I'm not telling you to kill yourself hiring a skywriter or buy her a tennis bracelet. I'm talking about going on Amazon and buying something quick and easy. How about a book she would like, or some perfume, or a CD that is meaningful in some way. If she likes my blog and she is a deep thinker about psychological stuff, a) I feel for you, because she is probably always up your ass trying to talk about Life, and b) buy her one of the books I recommend here in my store. Another way you can't go wrong is with gourmet chocolate, because gourmet cancels out calories (trust me, I'm a PhD). And did you know that chocolate increases sex drive?
5. Remember the stuff she schedules.
You know how, at work, you do this all the time? Here's what doesn't happen:
Your boss: Hey Jason, where are you headed? We're supposed to be in the conference room in 15.
You: What? How am I supposed to remember every little damn thing you schedule? I'm going paddleboarding with the guys and I can't cancel, so just go on without me.
So give your wife the same respect you'd give your boss. I can hear the rumblings of discontent as you say your wife shouldn't be your boss. But let me ask, where would you and your kids be if your wife's didn't schedule stuff all the time? Yes, you'd be paddleboarding, but your kids would be staring at the four walls of your house while your wife did her nails and watched TV. So, she is the default CEO of your home, unless you're going to start scheduling soccer camp, and since nobody wants to be the one who schedules soccer camp, nevermind purchases all the crap your kid needs for soccer camp, just put the stuff she schedules on your Outlook calendar, like you have so successfully done on the job.
Well there you have it. Don't thank me now, wait till your newly happy wife initiates sex for the first time since the baby was born.
Till we meet on the flip side, The Blogapist Who Wants You To Just Try These Things and See How They Go, No Pressure.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.