Reader Try Everything Once writes,
I read your articles all the time and I have a question. You say that marriages benefit from conversing about sex, but what if your partner discredits your opinion? My partner has an anal fetish. And, because I love him, I tried it because he asked me to. After trying it, I discovered that I don't like it and don't want to do so again. I expressed this to him and his reaction was unexpected. He feels that my distaste for it is not based on my own feelings, but rather based upon media hype, social views etc. I tried to explain to him that that isn't the case. I did try it, and that I based my decision on how it felt, physically, which was painful and uncomfortable. What would you recommend in a situation like this? It has really put a damper on our sex life. I don't like seeing him hurt, but I don't want to hurt either.
Dear TEO,
This is a great question. I commend you for trying something new for your partner. Everyone should take a page out of your book. Unfortunately for everyone involved, you turned out not to like what you tried, and now your husband is dismissing your perspective. I have multiple thoughts on this situation:
1. Your husband does not sound very appreciative that you went far outside your comfort zone to try something new for him. Did he express that it meant a lot to him that you pushed yourself in this way?
2. Your husband sounds pretty dismissive and invalidating about your actual, stated thoughts, feelings, and physical responses.
3. Your husband sounds like he is pressuring you in a non-loving way. Telling a woman with a sore butt that the media is telling her not to have anal sex is not very loving. Does he act like this in general, dismissing your feelings and thoughts and telling you what he thinks the "real" reasons are for your feelings?
Then, there are ways that you could also help the situation:
1. Tell him how hurt you are by his dismissal of your feelings.
2. Tell him that you know your own mind and ask if he would like you to tell him that the only reason he wants anal sex is because the media tells him to. He will probably get pretty defensive, which is what happens when you invalidate people. If he tends to invalidate or dismiss you in conversations generally speaking, this is a red flag and you should head to couples counseling.
3. Tell him that a happy sex life can only occur in a safe environment, where both people can express their thoughts and feelings openly without fear of being mocked, dismissed, or shut down. I am going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and guess that he is so scared that you'll never try anal sex, or anything new that he likes, ever again, and so he is desperately scrambling to convince you that you're "wrong." Make sure you discuss how his approach is making you shut down emotionally, and thereby ensuring that your sex life, and your relationship overall, will suffer from this lack of trust and connection. He can read this book to understand more about the link for women between security and sexual openness.
If you're happy with the outcome of this discussion, and if your husband acknowledges that he was acting dismissing and invalidating, you may decide that you're willing to try again. Since you're not mentally opposed to anal sex, but rather, physically uncomfortable, there are ways to set yourself more up for success. For example, doing it only after you are very aroused (we are less responsive to discomfort when highly sexually excited), using more lube, etc. Here are some tips from Glamour on how to make anal sex more enjoyable (and here I thought they only gave makeup tips). They tell kids to try new foods something like 10 times to see if you like it. You could try this with anal sex, although at this stage I'm sure you'd prefer to eat Brussels sprouts.
Good luck, and congrats to you and your husband for trying to work this out.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Covers Every Sex Topic, From Top to Bottom (ha ha! Punny).
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.