07/29/2014 10:19 pm ET Updated Sep 28, 2014

How Worrying...Helps?

To most of my friends and family -- OK FINE -- to all of my friends and family, I'm known as "the QUEEN worry wart" (tiny curtsy). I literally worry about everything, all of the time. You think I'm exaggerating; you clearly don't know my doctor, my boyfriend...or my mailman.

I'm the kind of person who is in constant fear of most things. And I know what you're thinking. You should definitely be medicated. And yes, I probably should (thank you very much). But putting excess chemicals into my body is something I worry about as is, so that right there just wouldn't work out. My point, however, isn't to babble on listing the increasing number of things I worry about (including, but not limited to, mercury poisoning, HPV, anti-biotic immunity, cancer, sharks, terrorism, global warming, reckless drivers and the imposition of mandatory grilled red pepper consumption), but to explain how worrying actually helps! I know what you're thinking. Worrying helps NOTHING. But trust me, I've heard that a million times before...from my shrink, and I am completely unconvinced. Here's why:

1) Worrying about mine, and my loved ones', personal wellbeing has pushed me into leading an incredibly healthy lifestyle (and forced them too, subsequently, via guilt). Everyone wins!

2) Worrying is my magical power. Once I've achieved acute stomach pain (borderline-ulcer) status, I've willed the bad things not to happen strongly enough that they can't anymore. That's a thing right?

3) Worrying shows how much I care about my friends and family (in the most annoying and overbearing way possible).

4) Worrying about EVERYTHING means that my partner can relax and take it easy. I've got it covered babe!

5) Worrying makes me a very cautious, methodical person who thinks rationally before making decisions... According to my fortune cookie.