09/18/2014 02:23 pm ET Updated Nov 18, 2014

Kids Say the Darndest Things

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I have heard wild stories from friends and family about the amusing things that kids have said that caused embarrassment for adult folk. From stories about kids swearing or fighting or yelling inappropriate things while in public, I thought I had heard them all.

I can think of a handful of goofy things my child has said in public that made my cheeks burn a little bit. Things like:

Dad said that Mom drives like a potato head.

Mom said Dad drives like a maroon.

I don't want to eat that! It looks like compost!

My dog really likes butts he is always sniffing them. Yuck!

Mom's snores sound like a herd of bees!

My son is 4 years old. He likes to tell stories and make weird sounds at the top of his lungs. The other day, he was on a roll, making annoying fart sounds with his armpits and mouth. He would jump out from behind furniture and scream, PFFTTTTTTT!!! And then fall on the floor in a fit of laughter.

With all of the pretend fart sounds in the air, it was not long before he was making the real deal. These impressive rolls of thunder in his pants were beginning to sound more like an accident in the making.

Me: "Hey, Sweetie, did you have a cargo-fart in those pants?!"
Kid: "What's a cargo-fart?"
Me: "I'm just teasing! A cargo-fart is when you toot and you accidentally poop a little."
Kid: "Um. Huh?"
Me: "Never mind, let's go to the bathroom and see what we're dealing with here, kiddo."

A couple of hours later, the family dog got loose and ran through the neighborhood like a frat boy on a panty raid. I grabbed the leash, a stroller and the two kids and we were off in hot pursuit. I called a few of my neighbors and they all came out to help rein in my dog.

We have new neighbors who moved in across the street. They have no kids. In fact, it was been made clear to everyone in the neighborhood that kids make them uncomfortable. But they do have dogs, and so they were happy to pitch in and help join the village search party.

While out on the front lawn as I was strapping the baby into the stroller, the new neighbors walked up to see if they could help.

And then this happened:

Kid: "I think my Mom pooped her pants."
Me: "Huh?!?!?!"
Neighbor: "Uh, um... oh, I see. How very unfortunate."
Kid: "Yeah, she even named it, she calls it a Car Go. I think it must be a fast poop."
Me: (Died of embarrassment. Right there. Dead. Gone)
Kid: "It must have been a super fast poop because it doesn't even stink! My dad told me that sometimes Mom thinks her poop doesn't stink. But it does. TRUST me."
Neighbor: ...!? (slowly backing away)
Me: "Oh, haha! Kids, Jeesh...they really say some funny things, huh?"
Kid: "Mom, why is your face all red like that?"
Me: (OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP!!) "Oh, Honey, we better hurry up and find the dog! C'mon, let's go! Quick! Quick!"

And that was the day my kid truly embarrassed me in public. That was the day I learned to clarify better when talking about anything in front of my kid. I can only imagine what my child-less neighbors must think about what goes on in my house.