Photo: Sandra Valls/Mimi Gonzalez
Attention ladies preparing to attend Sandra Valls' 2015 comedy tour: she's taken. Throwing panties and other undergarments (we don't need to know the details) are not allowed, however, something else might be. "I'm in a relationship and very much in love," Valls told The Seattle Lesbian. "If the ladies feel the need, they can feel free to hurl gift cards to Amazon..."
Got that? Good. Now that we've covered the essentials, let's continue.
The show is aptly titled "Valls to the Wall," and why not? She's got chutzpah and then some.
"I was at the airport in Punta Cana coming back home from another amazing Olivia Trip and I got the idea of taking selfies with all the Olivia lezzies (Olivians) at the airport, which weren't hard to spot because...well...we look like big lesbians! Note: Please spare me your politically correct bullshit emails and comments talking about 'lesbians can look like anyone and we come in all shapes and shame on you, Sandra, for stereotyping us and putting us in a box blah, blah blah,'" Valls unapologetically meanders. "So I went here... 'Hi, ladies!' SNAP! I went there... 'Hi, ladies!' SNAP! I was like a little, butch, butterfly all over the lobby snapping away. I came upon this couple.... 'Hi, ladies!' SNAP! They look at me with a confused, almost fearful look. Then they inform me, 'We aren't part of your travel group.' Awkward pause."
Luckily for Valls, she had one thing on her side - her unique sense of uncanny gaydar.
"So I just say, 'Well, you're still 'one of us, right?' They started laughing and nodded," she added. "Not hard to spot 'one of us' at the Punta Cana, Dominican Republic airport. I think it was the matching polo shirts with the popped collar and Tevas that gave them away."
While her lessons in lesbianism seem to be well-formed, Valls is ever the student.
"I love learning new things," Valls said. "This year I've had the honor and privilege of traveling to Costa Rica, Panama Canal and the Dominican Republic with Olivia Travel and will be going to Budapest, Prague and France. I will also be touring the U.S., which I love as well. I have friends all over the country and the world and I look forward to having coffee or a few tequila shots and connecting with them."
Coffee or tequila she said. Want extra credit? Try both at once. Wait, refer to the first paragraph of this story and disregard this comment.
In all seriousness, Valls looks forward to touring, saying that each tour stop "has something special to offer...to teach me."
The lessons aren't always easy.
"I like to vent. That's what I do. When things happen to me, I vent to my friends. I don't even mean to make it funny, but if they laugh (which I hate when they do in the middle of my rant), then I know it's funny to talk about onstage," she said. "Shooting the breeze with other comics inspires me also. I was just in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic with Mimi Gonzalez, Jessica Kirson, Julie Goldman, and Gina Yashere and there was a night where we were all just hanging around, sitting on the stairs cracking each other up. The shit we came up with was hilarious."
Her colleagues inspire her to continue creating. "Poppi Champlin, Vicki Shaw, Suzanne Westenhoeffer, Dana Goldberg, Lisa Koch, Gloria Bigelow, Julee Antonellis, Jennie McNulty, and so many more."
Three things to think about: Valls sleeps with a stuffed owl named, you guessed it, Owly; she loves yard sales and thrift shops; and is am empath. Valls has been on a spiritual journey as of late.
"Aside from practicing Nichirin Daishonin Buddhism, I'm a priestess," Valls said. "I practice Ifa, which has its origins in West Africa. The Ifa tradition is a faith whose primary purpose is to help people align themselves with their divine destiny. It is a nature religion. We revere the forces/energies of nature called Orishas and it is through nature that they speak to us. We also practice Ancestral reverence and divination."
Devout fans may recall that Valls wore white for an entire year - and vowed not to touch anyone.
"Some of you noticed that I wore white for a whole year. This was part of my initiation to becoming a priestess or Iya. I was going through a spiritual cleanse where I wore white and could not touch anyone except family...for a whole year. This was part of a spiritual cleansing or purification. I was not supposed to pick up on other people's energies, which I tend to do a lot. I was supposed to stay with my own," she explained. "The white was difficult enough, but not touching people? That was hard. So, now I'm a Priestess of Yemaya, the ocean energy."
Valls brings refreshment and candor to her comedy set, and even works in a little music to boot.
"I know...this sounds strange in a comedy show, but it's not only comedy," she said. "I talk about real things and life stuff. I also sing songs within my comedy set. So it's a comedy concert! I make you laugh. I make you think."