10/06/2008 12:23 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

John McCain and the Ark of the Covenant

I think John McCain should seek the Ark of the Covenant to propel him towards victory. When last we saw the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark it was in Washington D.C. in a huge government storage unit in a wooden crate labeled "Top Secret" amongst thousands of wooden crates also labeled "Top Secret." At least that's when I think we last saw it, I don't know if it was in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I doubt it was because people hated that movie and there's no way they would have hated it so much if there were an Ark of the Covenant callback. Anyway, as Senator, I believe John McCain has the power to remove said crate from storage and utilize the powers of the Ark, leading to his victory. Yes, he would have to close his eyes so his face doesn't melt, but couldn't he and Sarah somehow harness those unimaginable powers and ghosts that reside in the Ark? He should ask Harrison Ford to help him or whoever played young Indy in that series about young Indy. Obama doesn't have the balls to seek the Ark, obviously, and he wasn't alive in 1936 when the whole thing went down with the snakes in the Well of Souls and the big guy who gets killed by the plane propellers and the monkey with the poisonous fig. John McCain was probably there, fighting the good fight alongside Harrison Ford and Karen Allen. Therefore, the Ark is rightfully his for the taking. That, or the Cup of Christ. Either or.