03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Interview With A Pissed Off Queen

An absolutely brand-new scientific breakthrough allowing communication with the spirit of those who have passed on was used yesterday by the Huffington Post in a penetrating interview with 3,500 year old Queen Nefertiti. Her Highness showed herself to be one indignant, pissed off Royal.

Huffington Post: Your Majesty, perhaps you have heard that Zahi Hawass, the general secretary of Egypt's Council of Antiquities, wants to bring your limestone and stucco bust from Germany back to Egypt.

Queen Nefertiti: I know about this mess. I love it where I am. I am not going anywhere.

HP: But, Your Majesty, aren't you a wee bit homesick?

QN: I've been in Germany since 1913, young woman [ed. how good that young part felt to a grandmother of five]. Ludwig Borchardt found me in 1912, oh so gently dug me up, and oh so tenderly kissed my cheek. I remember it well.

HP: Yes, but Your Highness, Hawass wants to bring you back to your homeland.

QN: A homeland that abandoned me. They agreed to let me go and keep other relics from that dig. There are papers to prove it. So for that, and other reasons, I am quite happy where I am.

HP: Other reasons?

QN: Didn't you know that many say my husband Akhenaten's devotion to Monotheism comes from Moses? Others say that Moses got his beliefs from my husband. And some even say that my husband and Moses are the same man! My life is shrouded in mystery, and I am determined to keep it this way.

HP: Your Highness, this is a remarkable conversation.

QN: And let me tell you something else about Moses. He was an Egyptian prophet, one of our own, and more. How dare that Zahi fellow say that if he found Moses' people's books in an Egyptian library he would burn them. It's a shanda. If that fellow got anywhere near me, I'd show him fire all right!

HP: Your Majesty...

QN: And young lady, [Ed. Again the compliment] anyone with a head on his or her shoulders knows that the only reason for this unnecessary stink is Zahi did not become the Director of UNESCO, which he certainly does not deserve. In fact, he does not deserve the post he has. I absolutely refuse to become one of his Antiquities! Zahi is having a big old fashioned temper tantrum. I am a Fertility Queen, the mother of six daughters and one son, and believe me, I know temper tantrums. Only one thing to do with them: ignore them.

HP: Your Maj ...

QN: Also, it is quite terrible that while Israelis go to Egypt in droves, Egyptians do not visit Israel. This shames me.

HP: Is there anything else you would like to say?

QN: I look well, I know. But I am too old to travel.

HP: You do look so very beautiful.

QN: Of course. It does not hurt one's looks to be kvelled over in a domed room that is all you own, overlooking the entire length of an exquisite new museum in a country where they face their mistakes and do their best to learn from them and right them.

HP: Any other comments?

QN: Zahi Hawass is mishugina.