Monday night Johnny Pabs and his harem of eight ladies relocated from Full Metal Jacket (Vietnam) to Lord of the Rings (New Zealand). This week's episode saw a group date, two one on one dates, and two ladies sent home in tears.
Andi (AKA Ombre DA, Eliza Dushku look-alike) finally scored a one on one date to which she wore a great pair of leather boots, white jeans, and a plaid button down. I'm still stumped as to how the women fit THAT MANY outfits, dresses, sweaters, and shoes into their 2 bags (not to mention make-up, curling irons, hair products), but they must be better folders/packers than I am (you don't get hair this good by only packing a few volumizing products).
Johnny Pabs and Andi hop on a jet boat and tear through a waterway that I pray wasn't a "no wake zone." The weather is rainy and overcast, but that didn't stop them from stripping down to swimsuits and hopping in the water (Andi rocked a 1 piece, which looked like a swim burqa compared to the teeny bikinis we are used to). In advance of their chilly dip, JP squealed the most effeminate "aye yi yi" we have heard yet this season. For a guy who made some anti-gay remarks recently, he sure sounds a lot like dudes I've met in The Pines of Fire Island. JP and Andi navigate through a narrow passageway with mossy boulders on either side (good thing the Ombre DA isn't claustrophobic--I would have lost my mind in there) as Andi hits us over the head with similes about how this journey to the waterfall is like their journey to love, yadda yadda yadda. They reach the waterfall where they suck face while Andi and her Talbots one piece straddle Johnny Pabs.
That night they attempt to eat dinner directly next to an active geyser, but before you can say "an active geyser doesn't care if it ruins your romantic dinnertime shoot," they get soaked with water from the geyser. The couple scampers off and have a bit of conversation at a safer distance from the geyser, but they never really say much to each other. If there's one thing that has stood out this season, it's that Juan Pablo hardly knows ANY of these women. It's been 6 episodes of small talk, flirty banter, and kissing, and Ombre DA's connection with JP is no exception. Juan Pablo gives Andi a rose and she remarks that, "it's ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well." Apparently a correct understanding of "irony" is not required to pass the Bar exam in Georgia. Sweet Andi, it would actually be ironic if you two were falling in love while standing in front of a divorce court proceeding (I smell a group date activity for next season!).
Up next is a group date and the crew is Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra (who will be turning 22 on this date). JP and the ladies have an awkward picnic then discover that today's activity will be rolling down a hill in a giant, inflatable ball called an Ogo. The weather doesn't seem ideal for being in a swimsuit inside an Ogo (is it ever?) and the activity feels like a rolling orgy so Johnny Pabs is loving life: "6 beautiful women, me switching from Ogo to Ogo."
That night the gang has cocktails in the gnome-like huts where they filmed Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit (Sharleen is, predictably, the ONLY girl who geeks out about this fact). Some good conversations are had: Renee & JP talk about baggage and make out and he says that she is "one of my special ones"; Nikki says she's scared and tongues JP hard; Cassandra says that she respects Juan Pablo and he says she is "one of my special ones"--there are just SO MANY special ones! Sharleen attempts to do an emotional check-in with Juan Pablo, but he's more interested in playing tonsil hockey (why do I write like a tween boy?) and then asks for an explanation of what "cutting right to the chase" means. Chelsie, Renee, and Kat have a discussion of the "meaning" of receiving a one on one date rose versus a group date rose and goddamn somebody should sneak these women a book or magazine! Their brains are ROTTING!
Finally, it's time for the group date rose and Bachelor Nation is assuming that Cassandra will get it (despite the fact that she and JP have ZERO chemistry--it's her b-day and she's gorgeous--roses have been given out for less), but Sharleen receives the prize. JP asks Cassandra to go outside with her and Bachelor Nation thinks, "Oh, the producers must have told him that it's her birthday so he's going to give Cassandra a little cake or a separate rose privately," but NO! What's the birthday gift JP has for Cassandra? A one way ticket back to Shelby Township, MI! Happy birthday, former NBA dancer. If this is day one of your 22nd year on Earth, it can only go up from here, I guess?
The next day is Clare's second one on one date and she has much to discuss with Johnny Pabs. They resemble an Irish Spring commercial while sitting on a riverbank in white sweaters, but their conversation is anything but squeaky clean (HEYO!), as they discuss what happened when they "went swimming " in Vietnam. JP apologizes and says he'll be more honest in the future (great idea, Ricky Ricardo!) and Clare stands up for herself well ("this is about what I want, too"). That night they hang out in JP's suite in sweatpants that resemble Hammer pants and somehow Johnny Pabs loves that look, telling Clare, "I'm happy you didn't--how you say that--quit on me." Oh, blonde Ricky Ricardo. You're a hot dick but I kinda still like you. Clare scores a rose.
The next evening it's rose ceremony time. Nikki and JP have more moronic, flirty banter; Renee feels anxious as the only mom left; Chelsie gesticulates a LOT as she talks to Juan Pablo; Kat seals her fate when she says, "I've been journaling since I've been here." First off, can we please not turn the word "journal" into a verb? THNX. Second, the practice of "journaling" (BARF) should be treated like Fight Club and bikini waxing--do NOT talk about it!
Kat then says she's not aggressive with men because her father was always drunk and passed out (correlation? Casuation? Can you tell I never took Stats but overheard people talk about it once?) and it's so sweet that she's really opening up to Juan Pablo, but he seems to prefer girls who keep things light and surface (which is stupid and his loss, but spells disaster for Kat, I fear).
Finally, it's time to line up in front of a fire like a goth sorority pledging event. Andi, Sharlee, and Clare already have roses, so they are safe. The four on the chopping block are Nikki, Chelsie, Kat, and Renee (AKA 3 Blondes and Renee). What's the frequency, Kenneth?
-Nikki (wearing a cheesy, 90s red dress straight out of a Warrant video)
-Renee (who I absolutely ADORE but could stand to deep condition that hair and then use a volumizing spray pre-blow dry)
-Chelsie (whose days are numbered if she keeps up all that gesturing)
So who is about to hop on a 24 hour flight from New Zealand to home, during which she had better get up and walk around a few times so as not to get deep vein thrombosis and die before she can watch herself cry on network TV? Kat, our sweet, blonde, smiley pal who is always told that she's a catch, but always rejected. I feel for ya, girl--I too am a friggin' catch the likes of which haven't been seen since Moby Dick and yet I am single. Life is crazy. Kat exist gracefully, saying a quick goodbye to Johnny Pabs and saving the tears for the limo.
Next week Sharleen reaches the end of her rope (it seems) and the gang travels to place best immortalized in a Will Smith song circa 1998: MIAMI!