02/28/2014 02:00 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Juan Pablo Bach Recap 8 & 9: Hometowns and Shutdowns

On Monday and Tuesday night, NBC served up a portion of The Bachelor that was longer than The Wolf of Wall Street but had fewer drug scenes, though I'm wondering if Nikki was high as a kite when she picked out those pants. This week I had 3 storytelling/standup shows and a job interview so my recap is late. Please forgive me, sweet pussycat. In the interest of time, I'll keep the hometown recap short. So short, I'll give you bulleted lists (is there any better type of list? I might be anti-guns, but I love me some bullets). Hometowns went down like so...

Kansas City, MO - Nikki's Hometown
-Her roots remain atrocious. How is this possible? You're in your hometown, girl -- were you unable to get an emergency appointment with your colorist? Wait, do you have a colorist? Are you your own colorist? That would explain a lot.
-Johnny Pabs and Nikki eat "gas station BBQ" (as she calls it) and ride a mechanical bull (like a great album by Kings of Leon and a John Travolta movie). WE GET IT, NIKKI: you fancy yourself wicked southern. Calm down.
-Her parents are SUPER supportive and say they would welcome JP into their family.
-Nikki wants to tell Juan Pablo that she loves him, but she hesitates. Probably a good call.

Atlanta, GA - Andi the Ombre DA's Hometown
-They visit a gun range because TV producers can get these idiots to do whatever they want. Andi's really good at shooting guns and of course she is -- in America, we shoot out way outta the womb! Johnny Pabs, not so much.
-Andi's dad Hy (what kinda name is that?) straight up hates The Bachelor, Juan Pablo, and everything about this charade. Dude is smart!

Sarasota, FL - Renee's Hometown
-OMG Renee's son Ben is cute as a button and I cried when they were reunited. I aint ashamed!
-Juan Pablo and Renee watched sweet Ben play in a little league game and the camera caught a shot of Juan Pablo's ankle bracelet. It appears to be the kind of bracelet that you'd make at summer camp and he ain't ashamed. I wish he were.
-Renee's family is delightful. Juan Pablo touches her face a TON. Dude needs to listen to some Ani DiFranco (GET IT) and chill on the face touching.

Sacramento, CA - Clare's Hometown
-From what she says, Clare has never left her hometown for more than a few weeks, which completely creeps me out. That level of townie is straight out of the The Town.
-Juan Pablo meets Clare's mom and a gaggle of her sisters.
-Clare's sister Maddy says that Clare has a "tender heart," which makes me think that Clare is part Care Bear.
-Clare's sister Laura is a tough broad and her treatment of Clare's mom makes me wonder if Clare's mother has dementia.
-Turns out, she doesn't! Clare's mom is a super cool lady who completely gets it. Sister Laura, please sit down.

Time for a rose ceremony in Miami! Clare is in an awesome pink dress. Nikki is wearing a horrible black and white striped dress and fish tail braid. Andi's in a black, one shoulder dress and I love me a one shoulder dress. Renee is in a green dress and her hair is sorta blah. Try and updo, girl! Juan Pablo is in head-to-toe black, like a Venezuelan Johnny Cash.

Who scores roses?
-Nikki (I beg of you FIX THOSE ROOTS. American hasn't watched roots on TV for this many hours in a row since the Emmy award winning miniseries!)
-Clare (I'm on Team Clare and I don't care who knows it!)
-Andi (Ombre DA is still in it, despite her father's warnings.)

Sweet Renee heads back to her fantastic family and awesome son. She has the most graceful exit that I have seen in all my years of Bach watching (is that sad for me?) and she holds her head high, saying, "I can't force him -- you can't force anyone." You're so right, girl. Now please deep condition your hair -- everyone needs it every so often.

2 hours down, 2 hours to go. Have a couple orange smiles and drink some Gatorade -- we got more Bach!

JP and the remaining 3 head to St. Lucia for one on one dates, bikini time (well, one piece time for Andi), and nights in the FANTASY SUITE!

First one on one date is an all day "and ALL night" (JP reminds us creepily MANY times) event for Johnny Pabs and Clare. Clare isn't so sure about the "all night" aspect after the time they "went swimming in the ocean" in Vietnam. Oh euphemisms! Without them, how would network TV address boot knocking in prime time? They hang out on a boat, swim, and frolic. That night Juan Pablo and Clare drink and flirt in a cave while Clare rocks a fantastic, casual white dress, killer undo, and big earrings. Juan Pablo is more and more like a horny, teen boy every day, reminding us that this is the date when they can go to the Fantasy Suite and "get to know each other A LOT better." WE GET IT, blonde Ricky Ricardo. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a clip of him making the peen-into-vag motion with his hands, dude is so immature. They head to the Fantasy Suite for drinks and hot tub time and Clare says that Juan Pablo has "melted her" and this is the man she wants to have babies with.

Up next is Andi (in a fierce red sundress) and she and Johnny Pabs stumble up a seafood fiesta (these things only exist on TV) where they play steel drums, drink, and play a quick game of soccer with the locals. But it's time to hop in the land buggy and strap in, then proceed to drive below the speed limit on paved roads (and they didn't just drive a normal car WHY? Oh, because it looks cooler in the shot?) to a waterfall. They strip down to swim suits (and again, Andi rocks a one piece. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS but perhaps that's because if I wore a one piece, I'd feel like I was back in 1993 wearing a Speedo and wondering if my boobs will ever grow in (NOPE) then they make out beneath the waterfall. That night they talk chat over drinks and JP says that with Andi things are "easy" and she's "easygoing," which is what he says about every other girl also. They go to the fantasy suite together and Juan Pablo proposes a toast, "to a great long talking night." WINK WINK!

The next day, Johnny Pabs is feeling good and raving about his date with Andi, but Andi's singing a different tune (and her tune sounds a lot like "You're So Vain.") It has taken about two months of dates from Vietnam to South Korea to St. Lucia, but Andi has finally realized something about Juan Pablo that she probably would have learned within 3-4 dates in the real world: Dude talks about himself exclusively and doesn't really care about her stories, thoughts, or funny anecdotes. Also, he has no filter and puts his foot in his mouth a lot. But we'll get back to that. Right now, I gotta rip on Nikki's outfit.

Nikki and Juan Pablo's one on one date involves horse riding, swimming, and horrible clothes (on her). If you thought that Nikki's roots were the worst, I give you her outfit:


White women, please STOP wearing beige! You look like Slim Goodbody! It is doing you ZERO favors. Also, a fringed bikini top? Seriously? And those pants -- those PANTS! Did you find them in a dumpster behind a Phish groupie's house or did you wear them to bed last night and then someone robbed you of ALL your clothing overnight, so you're stuck wearing sleepy time pants on network TV? After their horse riding, Johnny Pabs and Nikki have a picnic on the beach, during which Nikki says that rejection makes her want to pull back (oh really!? You're SO unique!) and that "this" is what she wants. Is "this" Juan Pablo? Life on a picnic blanket? We'll never know. That night Nikki rocks a fantastic neon sundress (I'm willing to admit when she makes good fashion choices -- it's rare, but it happens) and she and Juan Pablo "talk" and by that I mean he speaks to her condescendingly then blame his tone on his ignorance of English. She tells JP that she loves him and he doesn't reciprocate (those are the rules of Bach Life, man!), then they disappear to the Fantasy Suite.

The next day Juan Pablo watches personal videos from each of the girls and in Andi's video, she says that she wants to talk to Juan Pablo face to face. Andi arrives in head-to-toe white, which looks fantastic against her tan (though those frilly daisy dukes look almost like an adult diaper) and tactfully tells Juan Pablo that he's a self-obsessed moron who doesn't have feelings. He says "that's OK" (this is when slime should have fallen on him) and seems bewildered as to why Andi was upset when said that she BARELY made it to the final 3. A real charmer. She explains that Juan Pablo has never asked her any questions about herself and his defense is that she should have asked him to ask her questions about herself. Seriously? Andi leaves, saying, "he doesn't get it -- he never will, though."

The rose ceremony must go on, though (even though it's completely unnecessary), so Clare and Nikki line up. Clare's in a cheesy pink and black cocktail dress that I'm pretty sure I saw in Rave at the Sangertown Square Mall back in 1999 and Nikki's wearing an ill-fitting, side mullet style red dress. Johnny Pabs explains that Andi left, then hands out the roses to Nikki, then Clare. So the final line-up is the grudge match up of the century: ashy blonde vs. brassy blonde.

Next week is "The Women Tell All," but it should be called "The Women All Look A Million Times Better Than They Ever Have and Everyone Hates Nikki."