THE BLOG
09/26/2014 05:25 pm ET Updated Nov 26, 2014

Dick Cheney Blames Abraham Lincoln, Mother Teresa, and Kim Kardashian for the Rise of ISIS

Now that the U.S. has begun airstrikes against the terrorist group ISIS in Iraq and Syria, former Vice President Dick Cheney is really angry that the group was allowed to rise in the first place. But while most of his fury has been directed at President Obama, he's reserved some for others whom he feels are equally to blame for the mess we find ourselves in today.

I mean, if we're going to play the blame game, why not go all the way, right?

The first one, Abraham Lincoln, is easy to understand. After all, he was a damn liberal at heart so must have been soft on terrorism. The fact that he was a Republican doesn't really matter since we all know Lincoln was just pretending to be conservative. It is this grand deception of the former President that offends Cheney so much and which leads him to believe that while Lincoln had distracted the nation with the whole Civil War thing, he was secretly apologizing to the Arabs for everything wrong in the Middle East - on behalf of the United States.

The second one, Mother Teresa, is also not that far off base. After all, she was a damn liberal too and was always helping poor children and s--t. That is certainly the profile of someone who would try to "understand" the terrorists and their troubles. In fact, it is precisely because of people like Mother Teresa and their humanitarian tendencies that bad things happen in the world. Mr. Cheney, you are indeed correct in your astute assessment, and kudos to you for having the cohones to come out and say what every lunatic in America is already thinking.

Let's not forget that the former Vice President was also the first man to call President Obama out for being a Kenyan Muslim Socialist when no one else had the courage to do so. Oh, wait, maybe that was Donald Trump! But really, what's the difference? One Republican with a bad hairdo is pretty much like another.

All kidding aside though, it is the last person on Cheney's list that really has me puzzled. After all, how could someone so cute and curvy but generally inconsequential as Kim Kardashian have contributed to the rise of ISIS? Is it because of her new reality show Keeping up with the Al Kanye-Wests?

More likely though, Kim's in the hot seat because of the bikini selfie she posted on ISIS' Facebook wall with the message "I'm soooooo sorry for everything I haven't done yet..." It is rumored that the ISIS guys are still trying to figure out what that means but they're encouraged by the fact that it's an apology for something by an American, and that Kim's in her bikini.

But whatever the reasons for Cheney's new mission to blame someone for the mess in Iraq and Syria, one thing is for certain: he won't stop going back in time until he's found all the culprits, including those who are long dead.

Or at least until he reaches the dinosaurs.

Follow Seriously Skewed on Facebook and Twitter for more great satire!