THE BLOG
08/20/2014 05:26 pm ET Updated Oct 19, 2014

I, Robot... Will Kill You?

In the most disturbing piece of news to hit humanity since the return of the Twinkie, it seems that engineers in the U.S. have built 1,000 robot soldiers that can form a military style formation on command. Well, all right, they are not soldiers and apparently they are pretty tiny, but it's still early days. Little robots grow into big robots and some of those well might decide to enlist in the army.

The point is that the little bastards can actually gang up, and that should give us some pause.

Yes, this is what humans have always dreamed about and really need right now -- another f@*#ing army. Like we don't already have enough people willing to form military units on command in the Middle East, Ukraine, North Korea, and Ferguson, Missouri right now. Do we really need machines to do this too? Think about it.

Sure, so far the robots can only shuffle around and it still takes them 12 hours to fall into place, but pretty soon the psychos will want body armor and assault rifles to go with their little war games, and can really start doing some damage. And then there is the whole artificial intelligence thing -- you know, that brilliant undertaking of humans to make machines able to think and act on their own? Oh yeah, we should definitely add that to the mix just for shits and giggles.

If you think this is all an overreaction to some small robots forming a shape, ask yourself why would anything form a military phalanx unless it intended to kick some ass. They wouldn't, and I suspect this is all just the start of a massive plot to take over the world hatched by some really geeky engineers who want to get chicks. What better way to do that than to create your own personal militia in the comfort of your laboratory?

There could, of course, be benefits to having a robot army. I mentioned North Korea before but there is also ISIS in Iraq, the Iranians, the Russians, and the Canadians; all of whom could pose a serious threat to our national security one day and could potentially be confronted by these new robots -- provided they don't get pulverized first in the 12 hours it takes them to move into formation. Honestly, I have seen geriatrics move faster.

Still, maybe there will be some other applications for this technology, like heart surgery carried out by robots. Just inject the 1,000 little maniacs into our bloodstream and let them do the rest. Yes, I can see why that would be a good idea. If I was on the operating table, that's what I would want -- cold soulless metallic things creeping around inside me, snipping a blood vessel and then taking a dozen hours to clamp it back shut, by which time I will have bled to death. Seems tailor-made for Obamacare.

Then again, maybe I'm being too negative. Maybe it will all just be fine and we don't need to worry about machines being used to enslave the world or branching out on their own to wage war against humanity. Maybe I, Robot was just a movie... (yeah, right). But whether there is something to worry about yet or not, I will say this: if these robots want to form military configurations, that's fine; if they want to march around in step, that's fine; and if they want to invade Moscow or Pyonyang, that's totally cool too.

But if these f@*#ers start doing the Macarena, I may just kill myself.

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