THE BLOG
09/16/2014 01:44 pm ET Updated Nov 16, 2014

In Stunning Twist, England Leaves United Kingdom Instead of Scotland!

Bloomberg via Getty Images

In what is sure to take up at least a whole chapter in the history books, Prime Minister David Cameron delivered the stunning news that England is leaving the United Kingdom in order to pacify Scotland and that the latter will continue to stay in the union. Queen Elizabeth II will be going with England while Cameron will remain with the UK.

It is rumored that the British were forced to make this sudden decision when the Scots threatened to invade England wearing nothing but kilts -- and more disturbingly -- no underwear.

In a statement clearly intended to diffuse the growing tension between the two neighbors, Buckingham Palace said, "It is with a heavy heart that we do this but as we say in the stuffiest British tradition: needs must. We did everything we could to persuade the Scottish people to stay within the union but it became increasingly apparent that they just don't care anymore. As a result, England was forced to make a sacrifice for the sake of everyone. Typical, isn't it? Anyway, as the James Bond song goes: Nobody Does it Better, and so even though we are leaving, you can be sure we will look bloody good doing it!"

After its separation from the UK, England will no longer be part of the European Union nor will it continue using the pound, which itself will henceforth be called "the currency formerly known as the pound" since the Scots never liked the name. The new seat of government for the UK will be based in Scotland and its iconic flag, the Union Jack, will be replaced by the image of Sean Connery instead.

In celebration of the newfound influence of the land of its birth, Johnnie Walker will provide free scotch to everyone on the planet -- except the English, of course -- for six hours or until everyone is well and properly sloshed.

Speaking from a castle in the Scottish highlands, which will replace No. 10 Downing Street as David Cameron's office, the prime minister said that he wishes England nothing but the best for the future but they should really go bugger themselves now that Scotland has emerged as the victor in this game of political brinksmanship. "We never really liked the English in the UK anyway," he added with a wink.

The only blemish to the jubilation of the Scots has been NATO's reaction to the news. The leading commander for NATO forces in Western Europe has indicated that the organization may have to kick the UK out because of the Scots. When pushed to clarify the reason for this unusual position, the commander answered, "It's that damn bagpipe music the Scots are always playing! We have enough problems dealing with Russia without having to be assaulted by that cacophony. The English are annoyingly polite and boring to the point of physical pain but at least they are f---ing quiet."

Still, according to a poll conducted in Scotland, most people feel that after the Ukrainian fiasco, NATO doesn't have much credibility left anyway, so why worry about being expelled from the organization? It might actually save the UK some embarrassment if they weren't part of NATO.

And the best part, according to the Scots, of England leaving the UK? The UK's most famous alumnus and the reason that anybody even knows the British Secret Service -- Sir Sean Connery, who can't stand the English, has promised that he will return to the big screen as super-spy James Bond as soon as the English depart the scene. According to his agent, the legendary thespian looks forward to many new daring adventures, and to reconnecting with his old flame Pussy Galore.

Long live the Queen!