08/06/2014 05:55 pm ET Updated Oct 06, 2014

Why We Should Replace the U.S. Congress With Baboons


Get out.

No, seriously, get the f*@k out before we have security escort you out. Your security credentials have been revoked and your emails will be deactivated within the hour. If you feel this is too harsh, take it up with your representative in Congress. Oh wait, you were the representatives in Congress! Too bad you're so incompetent.

Please note that the American people did not reach this decision lightly. It was deliberated upon for many years and indeed decades before we got to this point, but finally we realized you clowns just don't want to work.

Let's review your scorecard. Since God knows how long, you have failed to:

1. Fix immigration
2. Fix the tax code
3. Get Texas to stop trying to secede from the Union
4. Help the poor
5. Secure equal pay for women
6. Reform campaign finance
7. Extradite Sarah Palin to some place she can't be seen or heard
8. Balance the budget
9. Prevent a shutdown of...oh, you know....the U.S. GOVERNMENT!!!
10. Create a foreign policy that conforms to the definition of a 'policy'
11. Scare Vladimir Putin even one bit
12. Control the proliferation of guns
13. Rein in spiraling healthcare costs
14. Get the lunatic factions in your parties under any semblance of control
15. Not get caught spying on people, which is pretty silly given that the NSA is a clandestine agency
16. Prevent corporations from exploiting workers and moving their profits offshore to avoid taxes
17. Prevent the Supreme Court from passing some of the dumbest judgments in the history of the world
18. Pass an amendment letting a Kenyan be President (think of all the birther nonsense that could have been avoided with this)
19. Protect the environment
20. Explain what you guys do all day long except have drinks with lobbyists

Ordinarily we would ask you to stay through a transition period to teach your replacements how to do things but then that's exactly what we are afraid of.

We feel, quite candidly, that we would be better off bringing in a bunch of baboons and letting them run wild on Capitol Hill than letting you train anyone to do anything. Please note that scientific research shows that baboons can do rudimentary math, which is more than we can say for you. In addition, baboons communicate by screaming, grunting, shrugging, smacking their lips, and yawning, which is no different from you guys.

We also shudder to think what damage you will do to the private sector after this and for that reason we have decided to send out letters to all companies advising them of the dangers of hiring you for anything.

We are guessing that you will want unemployment insurance but we really don't feel that you deserve it given your contemptuous attitude towards the unemployed. Similarly, you will not be eligible for food stamps since you seem to hate those things too. Many of you have expressed great outrage at how much money we spend on welfare and so we think this would be a great time to reform it, don't you?

Finally, please refrain from stealing any office supplies when you leave. First of all those things are the property of the American taxpayer and secondly the baboons we replace you with might actually need them.

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