09/19/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Five Questions for John McCain: An Urgent Appeal to the MSM

Dear Mainstream Media,

For all the attention you've lavished on John McCain's Saddleback "victory," not ONE of you has asked him ANY of the obvious follow-ups:

Question #1: "Did you err when you attributed the 'cross in the dirt' story to yourself, and if not, why didn't you ever mention it before 1999?"

It's becoming increasingly clear that McCain either stole this story or mistakenly attributed it to himself. Either way, it's a problem, because it proves he's willing to brazenly lie to become president, or worse -- that he's too confused for the job.

Question #2: "Why weren't you sequestered during Senator Obama's conversation with Pastor Rick Warren as you were supposed to have been?"

He was supposed to be in a "cone of silence" during Obama's portion. He wasn't. Why not? And did he hear any of the questions in advance?

Question #3: "If the 'Bear DNA' study was such a waste of taxpayers' money, why did you vote for it?"

According to, McCain actually voted for the bill which included the infamous $3M study. When McCain responds to your question by saying 'I don't respond to accusations from organizations I've never heard of,' tell him that is actually a project of the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania, and that he might've known that if he knew how to use a computer.

Question #4: "Do you still believe that Evangelical leaders like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell are 'agents of intolerance?' And if so, what makes Pastor Rick Warren any different?"

It's really astonishing that someone who's never had a cozy relationship with the extreme right is suddenly so revered by it. I realize that there's a "lesser of evils" component going on here -- but are they really backing the right horse? Other than being anti-abortion, what Evangelical principles does McCain exemplify? Infidelity? Verbal cruelty?

Question #5: "You used the forum to repeat your vow to capture Osama bin Laden, and that you '[knew] how to do it.' My question is, if you 'know how to' capture him, why haven't you shared this knowledge with the current administration?"

None of McCain's pandering makes me as sick to my stomach as his ridiculous "gates of hell" vow. (I'm actually vomiting all over my keyboard as I write this). If he's got the chutzpah to make a claim like this, he should be able to back it up. I'd like to know what information he has. Just give us a hint. It is a magic map, like the one Harry Potter uses? Is it the return address on his Pen Pal letters with Osama? Dog the Bounty Hunter? Unicorn breath? Exactly how -- when the world intelligence community and thousands of American soldiers have been unable to do it in seven years -- can McCain guarantee he'll catch bin Laden?

Look -- I realize that it's scary to test McCain in person. After all, there's always the chance he'll Hulk out and beat you to death with one of his $500 loafers. (See? I can say anything I want, because I live on the Internet, where John McCain will never find me). But for the love of Edward R. Murrow, will one of you PLEASE grow a spine and ask the obvious?


Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of Pardon My President: Ready-to-Mail Apologies for 8 Years of George W. Bush