Dear Kate,
How come you only eat beige foods? I think you might be malnourished and your parents need to force you to eat something with nutritional value. I would make my child sit at the dinner table until she ate what was in front of her! You sound like a spoiled brat to me. Maybe your terrible diet is half of your problem.
Sincerely,
The Surgeon General of Stunnedville
Dear Surgeon General,
First, let me be clear. My only problem is that you had enough time to kill between your hot yoga and learn-to-knit classes and it gave you a reason to speak to my mother. Secondly, I eat a very specific diet for reasons that are sensory in nature. I find the idea of eating an orange revolting. The smell makes my eyes sting and the texture turns my stomach. The color of the green beans on my plate forces me to look away. Furthermore, when there is pita bread on my plate, I can eat it. When you add strawberries beside that pita bread, you have changed both foods, as I am only comfortable with one food at a time. My parents have already spoken with multiple specialists in the field of limited diets and autism and they all agree that I am doing just fine with the current food expansion program that I am on. My mother sneaks powdered vitamins and omega-3s into the baby food that she still feeds me at the expense of looks from people like you. If you would like to learn more about my diet, please feel free to click here. I likely have a better diet than you because clearly you have eaten something that has turned you into a righteous a**hole.
Best,
Kate
Dear Kate,
Why do you still chew on baby teethers? I knew a girl who let her child have a soother until he was 4 and it was absolutely ridiculous. All the moms at playgroup talked about her as soon as she left the room. You'll never see my son doing something so foolish. Children should be weaned from baby items like teethers. Your mom isn't doing you any favors by letting you hold onto such a bad habit. Why don't you start breastfeeding again, instead? At least that would prove that you have a good mom.
Sincerely,
Co-dependent Cathy
Dear Cathy,
Someday, in the future, I am going to make friends with your son's wife because she is going to need someone to drink with. Otherwise, you should know that I do not chew on baby teethers. I chew on very chic chewelry. It is jewelry that allows me to work out some of the oral sensory issues I have. I often have the overwhelming need to bite down, and rather than hurt those around me, I have learned to chew some of that anxiety away on my very hip collection of chewelry. In fact, as I read your letter I had to immediately reach for a piece, because otherwise I might have bitten right through mom's laptop.
Best,
Kate
Dear Kate,
Why do you choose to play alone? Sometimes, I feel bad when you don't choose to play with my daughter. She did say she would let you be Ken in her Barbie game. What more do you want? Do you not like her? I really want to tell my friends that she has a friend with special needs.
Sincerely,
Sister Mary Catherine of Suburbia
Dear Sister,
I choose to play alone because I am independent and strong and the social conventions that rule your anxious world don't affect me in the least. I like your daughter. She is just not into Ninja Turtles yet. Her tastes are more freshman right now. When she becomes more sophisticated, we can play turtles together. I play alone because I am a honey badger. If you don't know what that is, please click here. I like being a badass. It makes my parents smile. They know I will be fine. I hope you don't share your anxieties about fitting in with your daughter. She is pretty cool herself, and I hope she stays that way.
Best,
Kate
P.S. Could you please leave the little deaf girl alone? She isn't interested in being checked off your good deeds list either. She'll befriend your daughter if she sees fit.
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