02/20/2013 04:28 pm ET Updated Apr 22, 2013

The 2013 Academy Awards (More or Less)

Warning: This parody contains spoilers and graphic images of intense celebrity self-worship. Parental guidance is suggested.

(INT. DOLBY THEATRE -- Angle on studio executives changing old movies to promote less gun violence: Hobo With a Shot Glass, The Man Who Tickled Liberty Valance, The Wiffle Bats of Navarone, Lick the Piano Player; cut to Taylor Swift coming on to Jean-Louis Trintignant; cut to Lena Dunham receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award because, legally, she is now required to receive an award every hour on the hour)

Announcer (voice-over): Welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards, a celebration of rich, attractive people applauding! Tonight, we honor filmmakers unafraid to tell us that slavery was bad, bipolar people can enter dance contests if they're really hot, and musicals about the French Revolution can only feature Brits, Americans, and Aussies. And now, the new President of the Motion Picture Academy... former Pope Benedict XVI!

(Former Pope Benedict XVI enters, wearing Armani robes; cut to Harvey Weinstein, holding Academy members' kids hostage until they vote for Silver Linings Playbook; cut to Dianne Feinstein, Carl Levin, and John McCain writing a letter denouncing Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter for being grossly inaccurate and for falsely endorsing the killing of vampires)

Former Pope Benedict XVI: Once again we celebrate the power of film and thank God that you continue to watch the shit we put out in ways only dreamed about by Carnival Cruise Lines. And now, in a desperate attempt to appear hip and edgy and because Carrot Top, Dane Cook, and a sheet of drywall were unavailable... your host, Seth MacFarlane!

(Seth MacFarlane enters, smugness vibrating off of him like visible "smell rays" in comic strips; cut to J.J. Abrams writing the backstory for the new Star Wars movie, in which Luke's parents are Captain Kirk and Edith Keeler and Leia's parents are Commander Koenig and Dr. Russell from Space: 1999)

Seth MacFarlane: Hey, what a crazy year it's been for movies. Audiences were captivated by the story of a man suffering from a disorder which renders him incapable of controlling what he says... but enough about Joe Biden!

(MacFarlane's staff of manatee writers desperately try to come up with a 1980s pop culture reference he has not already beaten into the ground **; cut to MacFarlane beginning to sing "Shaddap You Face" in his Stewie Griffin voice, as Jennifer Lawrence shoots him in the throat with an arrow and immediately receives the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award; cut to Taylor Swift coming on to the corpse of D.W. Griffith)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, the most important star of 2012...the CG tiger from Life of Pi!

(The CG tiger from Life of Pi enters, eats the CG wolves from Twilight; cut to online cinema bloggers writing daily 50,000-word essays about the oeuvres of Quentin Tarantino and Terrence Malick, then realizing just how much of their lives they have wasted; cut to Joseph Gordon-Levitt going back to 1988 and killing Bruce Willis right after the first Die Hard is released, so there will be no sequels)

Life of Pi CG Tiger: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the Oscar goes to...Anne Hathaway!

(Anne Hathaway goes to the podium and has another in a seemingly endless series of nervous breakdowns so embarrassing as to wipe out any memories of Sally Field's "You like me" speech; cut to the planned movie musical tribute and the sound of a billion DVRs throwing up; cut to Chinese military hackers trying to get into the Academy's computers so Battleship will win Best Picture)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, please welcome proof that world culture is just as horrible as American culture... Psy!

(Psy enters and does an interpretative dance number with Angelina Jolie's daughter saluting transgressive moral alienation; cut to Kathryn Bigelow re-editing Zero Dark Thirty so the detainee is watching an endless loop of Movie 43; cut to all six James Bonds and Sean Connery can still kick your ass six ways to Sunday ***)

Psy: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the Oscar goes to... Tommy Lee Jones!

(Tommy Lee Jones refuses to leave his seat, his unsmiling face drilling a hole which breaks apart the universe and makes us all forget Man of the House; cut to Alec Baldwin, waiting for just the right moment to snap and kill fifty people; cut to Michael Haneke preparing the Amour DVD/Blu-ray gag reel)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, a man whom you've already forgotten won Best Actor last year... Jean Dujardin!

(Jean Dujardin enters; cut to Ben Affleck desperately, so desperately, trying to deal with his Best Director snub by repeatedly having sex with his hot wife atop their millions of dollars; cut to Quvenzhané Wallis, revealing she is a 45-year-old Jew from Passaic with nephrotic syndrome)

Jean Dujardin: The nominees for Best Actress are Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the Oscar goes to... Jessica Chastain!

(Jessica Chastain goes to the podium; cut to editors, in their yearly last-minute wait to see if Lindsay Lohan will make the death reel; cut to number six of a 10-part montage salute to unnecessary Academy Awards show montages; cut to me kicking in my TV if Roger Deakins again loses the Best Cinematography Oscar which, at this point, is a lot of TVs)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, an actress who is not nominated for the first time since Tillie's Punctured Romance... Meryl Streep!

(Meryl Streep enters; cut to Al Gore, selling his An Inconvenient Truth Oscar to Hamas; cut to Dianne Feinstein, Carl Levin, and John McCain writing a letter denouncing Frankenweenie for being grossly inaccurate and for falsely endorsing lightning as a method to bring back dead pets)

Meryl Streep: The nominees for Best Actor are Daniel Day-Lewis and four actors who, let's face it, aren't Daniel-Day Lewis... and the Oscar goes to Daniel Day-Lewis!

(Day-Lewis goes to podium, tosses the Oscar into a storage unit with all his other awards, roughly the size of the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark; cut to Taylor Swift coming on to Joseph Kony; cut to George Clooney punching David O. Russell in the face for old time's sake)

Announcer (voice-over): Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln!

(The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears and passes an amendment which outlaws 1) retro fairy tale movies 2) paranormal romance adaptations 3) Seth Rogen; cut to Judd Apatow painstakingly crafting each dick joke like a sculptor working in the field of ... er ... dick)

Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to...

(cut to a nuclear missile headed toward the Dolby Theatre; atop it is Kim Jong-un, waving a cowboy hat and prepared to exact revenge on the Academy for failing to nominate Magic Mike in any category; cut to the Dolby Theatre exploding and no one learning what wins Best Picture ****; cut to me switching this off and watching The Walking Dead)

** Thank you, South Park
*** And so can Shirley Bassey
**** Price-Waterhouse later reveals it was an overwhelming write-in vote for The Innocence of Muslims