11/17/2014 03:38 pm ET Updated Jan 16, 2015

Alien Message From Space: We Want Dr. Matt Taylor's Bowling Shirt!

In a remarkable development, scientists have received a message from deep space in which aliens want to know how and where they can get the bowling shirt of hot, scantily-clad women worn by Rosetta physicist Matt Taylor. "The signals originate far beyond our own galaxy," says NASA scientist Issac Sturlein. "Part of the transmission reads: 'We have occasionally monitored your primitive communications for years but have never had any reason to contact Earth--until we saw that shirt! Wowza! Hoo-boy! Hubba hubba!'"

According to Sturlein, the aliens identify themselves as Telubrions, a self-described race of advanced and exceedingly attractive life-forms capable of transmuting matter at the speed of sound. Their message reads, in part:

Our scientific achievements would make you gasp and tremble. We are superior to you in every conceivable way and we could destroy your miserable planet with a mere thought...but what can we say? We want that shirt! We want that shirt! We've tried to replicate it, but our attempts have repeatedly failed. Okay? Are you happy? Are you happy that our proud species has been reduced to this? Damn you, Earth people, and your uniquely kitschy fashions!

The Telubrions offered their congratulations to Dr. Taylor on landing the Philae probe on Comet 67P, then wondered if he could also spare any hand-painted silk neckties.