04/16/2014 01:56 pm ET Updated Jun 15, 2014

Barack Obama or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Defer to Putin

(apologies to Dr. Strangelove)

(INT. OVAL OFFICE - President Obama is on the phone)

Obama: Hello? Hello, Vladimir? I can't hear you very well. Is that a bear? Um... can you possibly get rid of the bear? Oh -- sure, I can wait. (Obama waits several seconds) Hello, again. You what? You wrestled the bear to the ground? Oh, that's fine, Vladimir. Just fine. Good for you. Yes, you don't even seem to be breathing heavily or anything. You're sending a photo? Okay. (Obama looks at his iPhone) Yes, that's you with a bear all right. That's a very big bear. What's that? Could I wrestle a bear to the ground? Gee, Vladimir, if a bear wanders into my office, I'll let you know. Now then, Vladimir... I'm calling again about the Ukraine. The Ukraine, Vladimir. Yes, that Ukraine. Well, it seems that some tanks with Russian flags have moved through Slavyansk and pro-Russian forces have taken over a mayor's office in Donetsk. What's that? There are no tanks? And no mayor's office? And there are no Russian troops on Ukraine's border? None at all? Are you sure about that, Vladimir? Because I'm pretty sure I saw reports that around 40,000 Russian troops... Well, let me finish, Vladimir. Well, listen -- how do you think I feel calling you about the Ukraine for the sixth time? No, I don't mind calling you about the Ukraine for the sixth time. Of course, I like talking to you. I like talking to you the sixth time just as much as I liked talking to you the first time. No, I don't believe everything the media says... But, these are satellite images which show 40,000 Russian troops on the Ukrainian border. What? Of course, I like you better than a satellite... I'm not calling you a liar. I would never call you a liar. You heard what? You heard there were 40,000 American troops on the Ukrainian border? Well, that's just not true. Because it isn't. Because it's just not... oh. I see what you did. You're absolutely right, Vladimir. Now I know what it feels like to be called a liar. I've learned a valuable lesson, Vladimir. Thank you for teaching me that. Now, getting back to the Ukraine... If, by chance, 40,000 Russian troops happen to amass on the Ukrainian border, could you possibly convince them to... you know, not invade? What's that? What will I do if you don't convince them? Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, Vladimir. I'll have no choice but to impose more sanctions on you. (pause) Vladimir? Vladimir? Can you please stop laughing? Vladimir? (waits about 15 seconds) Are you finished? Are you listening? Because I will impose more sanctions. I'm not kidding here. I am very capable of imposing more -- what's that? The bear got loose again? Hello? Hello?

(Obama hangs up, goes to a fund-raiser)