11/16/2010 04:42 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Cast of Glee to Administer TSA Pat-Downs

In the wake of complaints about tighter airport security measures, the TSA has announced that the cast of TV's hit show Glee will be randomly administering pat-downs to airline travelers who opt out of using full-body scanners. "Who wouldn't want to have one's private areas fondled by these talented kids?" said TSA spokesperson Alfred Nillundeen. "This is a way to protect the flying public with killer vocals and mad musical skillz."

The new pat-down procedures will be choreographed by Tony Award-winning director/forseeable risk analyst Tasha Empson and accompanied by updated versions of songs like "Leaving on a Jet Plane," "Fly Like an Eagle," "Touch Me," and "Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash," along with guest stars like Scarlett Johansson who will be gang-groped in a delightful musical number. "Each pat-down tells a little story about airline security and passenger empowerment," says Empson. "We like to get a message across in an entertaining way, while we're diligently running our hands across people's breasts and groins."

In addition, new characters will be added to the Glee cast for the enhanced procedures, including Chet Stonely, the hunky airline pilot whose cool demeanor and lilting soprano mask a shocking family secret and his obsession with being popular. "I have, like, learned so much by touching people's genital areas," says Devynn Martyngayle, who plays cheerleader Spangly on the show. "It's really made me a better person and a better actor."

Fans of the new security measures have already renamed the Transportation Security Administration the Glee-SA and plan to hide metal objects on or inside their bodies in the hopes of getting repeatedly patted down and triggering the colorful production numbers. However, some passengers are not impressed. "I haven't watched TV since Sing Along with Mitch," says Mildred Cronill of Blackfoot, Idaho. "Now, that was entertainment."