04/16/2013 05:43 pm ET Updated Jun 16, 2013

If Kim Jong-un Ran the Zoo

If Kim Jong-un Ran the Zoo

"I'm so bored by the zoo,"
Said young Kim Jong-un,
"It's time for some changes,
Not later, but soon."

The old guys in charge always make me so mad
They say I'm too young and not tough like my Dad
Well, I'm my own person, yes, I'm my own man
And here's just a taste of un's big master plan

Those people below me all whining in Seoul?
I'll send them a missile and make a big hole
And after we tidy the blood and debris
Then everyone must pay attention to me

But that's just for starters, some simple hors d'oeuvres
'Cause then the U.S. will get what it deserves
They'll all be caught napping, then all yell, "Gadzooks!"
When out of the sky pour my long-ranging nukes

Obama will tremble and pee in his suit
The world will watch closely as D.C. falls mute
Goodbye to New York and goodbye to L.A.
"Way to go, Kim!" all the people will say
My fun zoo, Jong-un zoo, will make people cheer
My fun zoo, Jong-un zoo, will make people fear

And next will come Russia, and next comes Nepal
And next will be China and its big stupid wall
No, I won't be done 'til I'm rid of them all

But still I'm not finished, on that you can bet
The world may be coal but there's work to do yet
So here comes the best, for whatever it's worth
My grand master plan to repopulate the earth!

I'll grow 'em in fields, I'll grow 'em in labs,
I'll grow 'em in caves, I'll grow 'em in cabs
An army of mutants and giant blue crabs

I'll start with a human that looks like a deer
And masters the pan flute as well as Zamfir
Then cross-breed a zombie who gnaws off your flesh
With bionic toucans who speak Marrakesh

I'll rule mighty robots
Of oil and wrought iron
Who win at canasta
And quote from Lord Byron
An army of creatures, some living, some dead
My freakily freakoids, who stimulate dread
The females named Winnie, the males all named Fred

I'll create a harem to serve at my pleasure
And fill them each night with a stick you can't measure
Half-harlots, half-virgins, all hot you'll agree
And each of them actually shorter than me

They'll cry, "Kim Jong-un is simply amazing
He's done so darn much, is there anything more?
What else could he possibly have in store?"

I think not.
For the old guys in charge
Will all be in awe at the things I've writ large
Even my Daddy in skies oh so blue
Will smile 'cause the whole spinning globe is my zoo
Yes, people will marvel, yes, people will swoon
There's no need for God, just ol' young Kim Jong-un

**Apologies to Dr. Seuss