06/28/2011 02:21 pm ET Updated Aug 28, 2011

James "Whitey" Bulger to Enter Race for Republican Presidential Nomination

In an unexpected move, recently apprehended mob boss James "Whitey" Bulger has revealed his plans to enter the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. "The reason Mr. Bulger came out of hiding was to announce his quest for the Oval Office," said Bulger's spokesperson Louis "The Spokesperson" Dalmantin. "He is just the man America needs in these desperate times."

Although the 81-year old Bulger is currently in jail and has not yet divulged any details of an official platform -- other than the campaign slogan, "Hey, Asshole! It's Fuckin' Morning in America Again! "- -his announcement has already spurred donations of $47.5 million to the Republican National Committee. "This is a very positive development," said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. "Mr. Bulger's colorful background and no-nonsense attitude are just the things to get our party excited about a Presidential candidate!"

In addition, many of the staff members who abandoned Newt Gingrich's campaign for the White House have now joined Team Bulger. "No offense to Rick Perry or Mitt Romney, but Bulger is our only hope in defeating Barack Obama," said former Gingrich advisor Malcolm Holliper. "He knows where to bury the bodies and he knows how to keep his mouth shut, at the right price. He is made for politics."