06/01/2012 06:13 pm ET Updated Aug 01, 2012

God: I'm Pretty Much Through With John Edwards

In a statement released earlier this morning, God has made it clear that He is pretty much through with John Edwards, after a judge declared a mistrial of the former North Carolina Senator's corruption charges. "I am delighted that Mr. Edwards thinks I have plans for him and that he can still do good things with his life," read part of the statement. "But, John, seriously -- you're on your own, pal."

God stressed that he has neither consulted with nor spoken to Edwards at any time during the former Vice-Presidential nominee's life. "God rarely comments on or interferes in anything political unless He's really, really bored," said Heavenly spokesperson Mikey Filldrum. "And He would appreciate that all future politicians who plan to knock up their girlfriends and betray their cancer-riddled wives not invoke His name because it's really starting to piss Him off."

When asked if he thinks Edwards will eventually find redemption, Filldrum said, "God told me that He would let Edwards know the first chance He gets. And then, He kind of rolled his eyes, so draw your own conclusions."