01/21/2014 05:22 am ET Updated Mar 19, 2014

Obama Promises NSA Will Now Only Affect Americans with Computers, Phones, or Electricity

At a press conference this morning, President Obama announced major changes in National Security Agency activities, promising that all future NSA surveillance will only affect Americans who use computers, phones, or electricity. Said the President:

If you're an American citizen and you use an abacus, pay in cash, sand off your fingerprints, or send homing pigeons to communicate -- you have nothing to worry about from the NSA. If you're currently living in an air duct, a solar-powered yurt, an underwater cave, or a hollowed-out cow -- you have nothing to worry about from the NSA. Period.

The President went on to encourage all other Americans to register with, a new government website that designers have been working on for hours.

"Going off the grid is safe and easy," says Winston Huxley, Orwellian Nightmare Czar.

All you need to do is log on, fill in your name, address, contact information, political affiliations, sexual history, net worth, grievances with the government and/or NSA, and tell us specifically where you intend to go when you go off the grid, and you will be guaranteed protection from any future NSA tactics.

When it was pointed out that registering in such a fashion on such a website might expose more people to possible NSA scrutiny, Huxley looked at the ceiling and whistled to himself.