01/07/2013 02:17 pm ET Updated Mar 09, 2013

Movies That Will Definitely Get Oscar Nominations (2013 Edition)

The Academy Award nominations for 2012 films will be announced on Thursday, January 10; the following are the most likely contenders. Good luck to them all:

Filet of Prepubescent Love Smothered in Caramelized Whimsy

Tarantino's Latest Masturbatory Childhood Drive-In Regurgitation -- Excuse Me, Revisionist Genre Filmmaking Triumph

Tom Hooper Has Apparently Never Heard of Medium Shots

In the Next One, 007 Will Blame All His Problems on Not Getting a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas

I'd Consider Scientology If It Guaranteed Handjobs From Amy Adams

Octogenarians? Who Are Eternally Devoted to Each Other? This Must Be a Foreign Film

A Profound Lesson in Spirituality Courtesy of a $120 Million Computer-Generated Tiger

Tsunamis Wouldn't Dare Separate Anyone as Cute as Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor

Paraplegic Gettin' Some!

Bayou Wisdom to Delight Those Who Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Near a Bayou

Time Travel Doesn't Make Joseph Gordon-Levitt Look Remotely Like Bruce Willis

Tolstoy + Knightley x World-as-Stage Metaphor = Two Hours of Perfume Commercials

Bipolar Rom-Coms Sure Are More Entertaining Than Regular Ones

Steven Spielberg's Heapin' Bowl of Civil War Spinach

Endlessly Debating the Waterboarding Here Makes It OK to Ignore the Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads in Every Other Film Around

Let's Send Michael Bay to Make a Nonexistent Film in Iran and Keep Him There Forever