06/06/2013 11:34 am ET Updated Aug 06, 2013

Upcoming Superhero/Comic Strip/Toy/Etc. Reboots

Kal-El: The Super Centipede (First Sequence) -- The Man of Steel (James Franco) passes out after inhaling some kryptonite-laced weed, then wakes up to find himself surgically joined to Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, and Lois Lane. Director Tom Six's transgressive approach to the caped icon has already rocked the comic book world, with furious fans insisting they will only see the movie ten times each as a sign of protest.

Baz Luhrmann's Rex Morgan, M.D. -- The great Aussie director takes the good doctor on a fantastic journey as he is shrunk and injected into Liza Minnelli. Soundtrack includes Pussy Riot, The Doodletown Pipers, Bjork, The Dead Kennedys, Up With People, The Cowsills, Insane Clown Posse, John Tesh, The Oak Ridge Boys, About a Plane Crash, The Anita Kerr Quartet, Streetlight Manifesto, and Yma Sumac.

Doctor Octopus, Italian Style -- Richard Linklater's thoughtful interpretation finds Spider-Man's arch-nemesis (Paul Dano) taking a melancholy trip to Rome where he meets a beautiful young architect (Demi Lovato) while scaling the Valens Aqueduct. In one 95-minute unbroken tracking shot, they discuss poetry, metaphysics, and sexual dysfunction caused by mechanical parts being permanently fused to one's flesh.

Nancy 2.0 -- America's favorite Brillo-haired comic-strip tyke becomes a wise-cracking prostitute (Chloë Grace Moretz) in a zombie-filled post-apocalypse where she and Sluggo (Angus T. Jones) must repopulate the world. Unfortunatly, she discovers Aunt Fritzi (Uma Thurman) is really her and Sluggo's mother. Director Robert Rodriguez's CG special effects enable Sluggo's hat to realistically fly off his head and also allow the dotted line from Nancy's eyes to drill gaping holes into enemies.

Hey, That's My Fish!: The Movie -- James Cameron's adaptation of the popular board game provides a timely ecological message as we follow two penguin pals (Gerard Butler, Mila Kunis) who must discover the people responsible for destroying the Antarctic fish population and then kill them with $800 million dollars worth of digital explosions. Filmed in 4-D High Definition 70 CinemaSpectrum FlayvinScope.

Hi & Lois: The College Years -- Director-screenwriter David O. Russell reimagines the origins of America's favorite couple (Elle Fanning, Josh Hutcherson) as they meet at Berkeley during the early 1970s, join Venceremos, argue political ideology with the Lockhorns (Saoirse Ronan, Clark Duke), then flee to the suburbs after a homemade pipe bomb goes delightfully wrong at Vacaville Prison.

The Teddy Ruxpin Transcendency -- Iraqi war veteran Teddy (Andy Serkis) vows revenge when he discovers his hometown of Rillonia has been demolished and that he has been genetically programmed by a shadow U.S. government agency to destroy mankind, via the messages (voice of Peter Sarsgaard) inserted in his back.

Stan Lee's Table Scraps -- Not technically a reboot, but fanboys everywhere will throw inhaler-enhanced fits of joy as something the Marvel legend shit on the floor 50 years ago and forgot finally hits the big screen. No one knows what it's about or who's in it or if it involves a superhero who jumps, flies, or breaks diamonds with his ass, but 1) lines of people are forming for its June 2028 premiere and 2) bloggers are already complaining about it being unfaithful to the original.