09/30/2014 04:17 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I'm 50. Can I Get Just One Sexy Text, Please?


A few weeks ago, I gave you a glimpse into the email box of a 50-year-old woman -- me! It wasn't pretty. So I decided that revealing my texts from this past week couldn't be any worse.

Disclaimer: I deleted all my Complex Sext Texts Rejects to this guy, Rex (you should see his Pecs when Flexed!) so I wouldn't lose your Respects.

You'll notice that instead of Sexting, I get "Vexing" and "Perplexing!" Everyone in my life thinks they're Seinfeld. I never know quite how to respond. Watch:

1. We'll start with my 16-year-old, which needs no further introduction.


2. My Ex-Husband is still trying to move on. I even made a dating profile for him to give him that nudge.


3. And then there's my 21-year-old son.


4. In the middle of all this, I had a thoroughly delightful conversation with my youngest kid's teacher.


5. And then my own mother -- she's 72. Oh and we're Jewish. Need I say more?


6. Ugh. Still matchmaking for me in the face of tragedy (and guilt!). So of course I had to do the right thing by her. Hmmmph!


7. Naturally my "friend" Tiffany gave me lots of empathy. Right!


8. And the other 21-year-old son now. (Yep, twins!)


9. My own mother once again texted (obviously recovered enough to get out and about) so I decided "if I can't beat 'em, then I would join 'em!"


10. And I'll close with another text between my teenage daughter (miraculously not about shopping) -- I initiated it this time!


And there you have it -- my "racy" texts. So how's your text life lately?