10/03/2013 01:46 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How I Broke My Own Heart

Working with my one-on-one clients and the awesome people in my Foundations program, relationships have been a hot topic these past few months. I recently shared something with a client that may help you whether you're in a relationship that's good or struggling, or even if you're single.

When I ended my last long-term relationship, I felt a lot of things. I felt angry, hurt and sad. I also felt incredibly betrayed.

The surprising thing was, I didn't feel any of these things towards the man I had just left. Yes, there were things to process and hurts to be healed. After all, relationships are energetic and they don't just end the moment we say they're over. We have to process and release, process and release.

While I was processing and releasing, I was surprised to find how angry, sad and hurt I was by and at myself. I spent years in a relationship where I wasn't getting my needs met. What's worse, I expected him to meet many of those

By staying in a relationship that didn't serve me and expecting that person to bring me happiness, I was actively hurting myself.


Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we'll ever have, and it's exactly where a solid, loving and fulfilling relationship with someone else begins.

If you're not taking care of yourself, how can you expect someone else to? If you don't know how to meet your own desires and needs, how will anyone else be able to? If you aren't kind, compassionate, understanding, loving and accepting of yourself, how will anyone else know how you expect to be treated?

We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.

In addition to that, we can only build a fulfilling, healthy relationship with another human being if we're whole and complete on our own.

If you're looking for a partner in life because you feel incomplete, that's a problem. If you're looking to someone or something outside yourself to feel happy, loved and connected, that's a problem. It creates a relationship of dependency and expectation, and sets you up to be let down and unhappy. It also puts unnecessary pressure on the other person, to be your everything (happiness, love, support, best friend, etc.), which is unrealistic and puts a strain on the relationship.

It's not someone else's job to make you whole or happy, it's yours.

What this means is that you are your number one priority in life. Making sure that you're needs are being met, you feel whole, connected and supported, and that you're living a life that fulfills you and brings you joy. That's your responsibility.

When we focus on ourselves, on being that special, devoted person to ourselves, amazing things happen. You learn to be content alone and with yourself. You learn how to express your desires and get them met without anyone else. You learn to love yourself so deeply, you start to wonder if you really need anyone else.

You start to live a life of joy, adventure, connection and fulfillment, because you're doing the things you need to do to bring that into your life. You're not waiting on something or someone else.

This makes you whole.

And being whole helps you build a relationship that isn't dependent on the other for happiness, comfort or anything else. You become partners who love and support each other deeply, but can stand alone if need be. This is the foundation for real love... loving and supporting yourself first.

So tell me...

Where are you seeking something from an outside source, when you aren't first giving it to yourself? Where are you depending on others for your joy and fulfillment? How can you better prioritize yourself and your relationship with yourself?

I want to know, leave me a comment below!

Stephenie Zamora is the founder of;, a full-service, life-purpose development, design and branding boutique. Here she merges the worlds of personal development and branding to help young women build passion-based businesses. Click here to download her free guide, "The Unexpected Trick to Transforming Your Life With ONE Single Question."

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