01/31/2012 04:40 pm ET Updated Apr 01, 2012

Newt Gingrich vs. Charlie Sheen: Who's "Channeling" Who?

The other day Newt Gingrich promised us all that "We will have the first permanent base on the moon -- and it will be American," by the end of his second term as president.

People around the world jumped all over him, calling this "lunacy," har har, and observing that most thinking folks thought that Newt already lived up there somewhere anyway. But it might not be entirely fair to keep sniping at Newt's strange remarks. He's admittedly and proudly "grandiose," not to mention being a self-proclaimed "visionary" (but not a lobbyist, despite what his paychecks and everybody he's ever lobbied says). "I think too much," he admits. "I am now a famous person."

But now we have more insight into where he's coming from, with this exclusive news:

Newt Gingrich and Charlie Sheen are the same person.

Think of it -- have you ever seen them together? OK, maybe that's not convincing enough. How about this: Gingrich has now been endorsed by both Herman Cain and Sarah Palin. That's as nutty as anything Charlie's come with yet. And even though it seemed that Charlie treats his goddesses -- er, women better than Newt does, we shouldn't be too surprised they are the same person. Both are known as mean and nasty. Sheen's meltdown last year was marked more than anything by grandiosity, denial and delusion. And then he quieted down and went away, back to "work," as it were. And then Newt started saying things like:

"I want to shift the entire planet. And I'm doing it. I represent real power."

He's also said, "You can't trust anybody with power," but let's not be picky. Remember some of the nuggets Charlie gifted upon us, starting with "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen"?

Newt can't use the "drug" excuse, even if it were true. But he can use Sheen-isms and maybe nobody would notice. Maybe nobody has noticed -- until now. So, here are some quotes from the two grandiose gentlemen. Try and guess who is who here:

"I don't have time for their judgement and their stupidity."

"A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about."

"The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now."

"I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man."

"(My) Primary mission, Advocate of civilization, Definer of civilization, Teacher of the rules of civilization, Leader of the civilizing forces."

"I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."

"The problem isn't too little money in political campaigns, but not enough."

"(I am) The most serious, systematic revolutionary of modern times."

"These people are sick. They are so consumed by their own power, by a Mussolini-like ego, that their willingness to run over normal human beings and to destroy honest institutions is unending."

"The left-wing Democrats will represent the party of total hedonism, total exhibitionism, total bizarreness, total weirdness, and the total right to cripple innocent people in the name of letting hooligans loose."

"She isn't young enough or pretty enough to be the President's wife."

"For now, I'm just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view."

"I read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and I found frightening pieces that related to... my own life."

"The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument."

"These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school."

"I have one speed, I have one gear: go!"

"It doesn't matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live."

"I just didn't believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique."

"From my big beautiful warlock brain... You're either in my corner, or you're with the trolls."

"I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, and loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words."

"Here's the good news. If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane."

- One could go on and on with these, but: thank you, Mr Gingrich/Sheen.

PS: Oh and, back to that first Gingrich quote above, about going to the moon, more delusional than any such lunar plans is his "second term" slip; one needs a first term first? Which is about as likely as me becoming a warlock. But I hope readers will join me in sending some version of this letter I just mailed to the powers-that-be at the GOP:

Dear Sirs:

Please please please nominate Newt Gingrich for President.


Steve Heilig


This piece was previously published on

A previous perspective on Gingrich here: