10/13/2007 08:19 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Bitch To Bastard

You can't deny Charles Darwin; creatures will, in fact, evolve and mutate given enough time and the right environment. And we, regardless of hairspray and cell phones, are still only creatures, after all, and our changes have become startling. Global warming pales in comparison to what's happening to us male and female homo sapiens. It's scary. If we keep evolving-- in the direction which we are currently moving-- I wouldn't doubt it if women soon see a little penis growing? Penises are ugly. Women are pretty. No one wants that!

If you ask me, [and I don't really care if you do because I'm going to tell you anyway] many guys out there have lost their balls. Where did they go? They rolled right into the women's catchers' mitt. Sadly, two things have risen out of this dilemma; men need their balls back and many women don't know when to "turn off" their power player attitude. I don't know when the big switch happened but I'm guessing it was somewhere in between the feminist movement and a men's metro-sexual Prada ad that the sexes got mixed up. It's time someone stuck their thumb in the dyke and stopped this evolutionary flow. I'm just the guy to do it, I have a thumb, and I love dikes. Men need to be men and women women again. Don't get all bent out of shape Gloria Steinemettes, I'm not talking "bare foot and pregnant". I'm talking about feminine. Remember that word ladies?

Studies, polls, and surveys [which, for the record, I hate because they're boring and less accurate than Neilson ratings] have been published revealing that women in their 20's are now making more money than men-- of the same age--and women 40 plus have sharpened their claws and become "Cougars" [older women who date younger men]. Basically, chicks are becoming dudes. Chuck, Chuck, what the fk? This is what you meant by evolution?

I personally feel that any man worth his salt is not only comfortable with a woman more successful than he but will also applaud her achievements. And, most importantly, NOT be intimidated by her. The problem is there aren't many salty guys out there these days, they're bland. They live vicariously through TV and movie tough guys instead of being one themselves. Therefore, women grow ever closer to becoming real men. Ladies, you don't want to become a man, trust me, the extra hair, alone, will be a waxing nightmare and you can forget the ability to multi-task!

The real reason I'm writing this is that I'm a selfish bastard; it truly sucks for us real guys caught in the middle of this transition. I want to start a revolution and bring back male and female roles the way they work best. I'll explain. There was a time when men were the shoulders and women the stability in a relationship. Men were responsible and women were sexy. Everyone knew where he or she stood. Yes, there were equality issues, back then, but they've been more than solved. We seem to have thrown the baby out with the bath water in this society we call "modern". Women these days either dress like complete tramps [see MTV for details] or 80-year-old librarians [I don't care how much that fashionista outfit cost, chicky, it's ugly and un-sexy]. Moreover, because I'm a relationship expert and resident bad boy, I'm stuck answering for all male short comings to the women who-via email--ask why men are letting them down-- or why women themselves are letting their guy down. Would a man dare "text message" you for a date 20 years ago? Shut up, I know we didn't have text messaging then, but you get my point.

Let's cut to the chase here. Men start acting like men. If you never were a real man then watch The Deadliest Catch or Survivor Man on the Discovery channel. Learn how to change a tire without a cell phone, wear non-designer jeans, work boots, and don't tuck in your tee shirt, pick the damn restaurant, don't ask a woman "if", tell her "when" [make strong decisions], and get a hair cut that looks good messy. Ladies, I'm happy for you, you've staked a solid place in the work force [kind of sucks out here though, huh, that'll teach ya] now it's time to use your real power, the power that comes with being a sexy creature, a woman. Take care of your bodies, learn to understand how men think, dress with balance [sexy and stylish-- but sexy first], learn to cook again, and, most importantly, shut off the "hard ass" that keeps watch from 9 to 5 and pay attention to keeping your ass hard.