08/03/2009 09:08 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

New GOP Healthcare Talking Points Leaked: Obama Plan Could Mean End To Bingo

To: Radio/TV Talk Show Hosts and Pundits

From: Michael Steele, GOP Chairman

Subject: FYIO - Health Plan Information Distribution

NOTE: Please make sure this is sold with conviction with a choke in the voice or a Beckian single- tear-running-down-cheek approach. Always refer to Obama's Killing Fields or Kevorkian. Remember...Fear sells!

There's far more danger than meets the eye in President Obama's program. While he promises affordable health insurance for everyone, what he and the Democrats aren't telling you is that there will be hell to pay if you're over 55. To the Democrats, 55 is the new 95.

Some of the programs and events that will be affected or prohibited altogether under the president's tax hike health program include...

Standing in pool and making believe that swirling your arms in the water is exercise will be banned as well as wading into the ocean and splashing water on yourself and calling it swimming. Seniors will be made to actually move their feet to be eligible for medical care.

You will no longer be able to choose your own bingo cards. They will be chosen by the Federal Government and limited to only one card played per game. Canasta will be outlawed entirely.

Prostate swelling will be taxed per millimeter of said enlargement.

Early bird specials will go the way of the Nehru jacket. Seniors will be forced to eat dinner after 4PM, without discount nor over-55 menus.

Sweet and Lows will have to be purchased. Lifting from restaurants will be deemed a felony with mandatory 12 month or life sentence - whichever comes first. Rolls pocketed from restaurants will be confiscated and the elderly thief will be perk walked into a paddy wagon driven by their condo president's grandchildren

Driving and looking at the road through the steering wheel, driving less than 25 mph in the passing lane or not turning off your turn signal within five minutes after making a turn will be taxed.

A government committee will decide who will be allowed to gloat on their grandchildren's success or brag about their child's medical practice. A subcommittee will choose which grandchildren you can see.

Prunes with hot water will be rationed, deemed medicine, taxed and doled out only in the evening, just before getting in bed.

Yelling at kids to get off the lawn will be considered disorderly conduct.

A 200% death tax will be assessed on the Clapper two years BEFORE you die. Proof that the government knows when you will die.

Getting up to pee more than one time a night will be taxed. Elderly illegal aliens can pee as many times and whenever they want.

Acorn will organize the PGA's Senior golf tour.

It will be illegal to have grandchildren come over to either show you how to access your email, cell phone or set up your DVR.

Matlock reruns will be blacked out in Southern Florida.

Note: Remember: It never hurts to remind the elderly that this is a healthcare plan developed by a shvatza.



Award-winning TV writer Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and blogs at the appropriately named