"You give these answers to Reverend Big Mouth and you tell him that God says he's a phony...Personally tell him to shut up." God (George Burns) telling Jerry (John Denver) what to say to a particular evangelical preacher (Oh, God, 1977)
"I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things." Glenn Beck (Fox News Sunday)
Screenwriter legend, Larry Gelbart, taught me that in the hands of a good comedy writer what is acceptable as gospel to so many can be hysterical satire to many more. After Beck's religious Restoring Honor rally I can only believe that Larry's in heaven already running lines with George Burns.
Oh (My) God (2010)
Backstage at his Restoring Honor rally, Glenn Beck wipes his brow, accepting congratulations from admirers, some of whom were related to those who had actually read about Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech 47 years before.
Humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," Beck retreats to the nearby bathroom to relieve himself. As he washes his hands a black bathroom attendant hands him a towel.
Attendant: Mr. Beck, that was quite uplifting.
Beck: Pshaw. Only God Himself can be uplifting. I am not God. I am only the humble human being God has chosen to speak for him.
Beck pulls out a $25 Goldline coin.
Beck: Do you have change for a hundred?
Attendant: It's a $25 coin.
Beck: Yes, but I bought it for $75 and there's a possibility with the volatile world economic situation, gold could be your best investment.
Attendant: That's alright. I'm here to serve and I ask nothing in return other than your eternal gratitude.
Beck: Deal. Hey, you're black, right?
Attendant: I am as you see me.
Beck: Whatever. Would you mind coming out to the dais and standing behind me? As pale as I am I tend to blend into the white steps of the memorial. It makes it harder for my followers to see me. I could use as much color as possible behind me
Attendant: Would you mind if I ask you a question first?
Beck: Go ahead.
Attendant: How do you know that it was God who has spoken to you?
Beck: Who do you think got those geese to come to my rally and do a fly over?
Attendant: My son. Those geese didn't come to your rally. They were leaving it.
Beck: And exactly how do you know that?
Attendant: Do you know why you never see geese grazing on dairy farm land?
Beck: Why?
Attendant: They're allergic to bull shit.
Beck: And why is that?
Attendant: I made them that way.
Beck: What do you mean, "you made them that way"?
Attendant: Did you ever see "Bruce Almighty"?
Beck: You're saying you're Jim Carey?
Attendant: Guess again.
Beck: Wait a minute. You're not telling me you're God?
Attendant: That is for you to decide.
Beck: Yeah, right. And I guess you can prove it?
Attendant: You mean you want to see some kind of parlor trick?
Beck: You just want me to take your word?
Attendant: You seem to be okay with others taking your word. Are you more trustworthy than God?
Beck: I don't have to be. I'm on Fox.
Attendant: Okay. How's this?
The attendant reaches into Beck's ear and pulls out a nickel.
Beck: Big deal. My uncle can do that with a quarter.
Attendant: Can your uncle do this?
The attendant reaches into the back of Beck's pants.
Beck: Hey!!!
With a mighty yank, the attendant pulls out a large chalkboard, much to the discomfort of Beck,
Beck: Are you crazy!?
Attendant: You pull conspiracies out of your butt. I figure I'd check what else is up there.
Rubbing his rear, it begins to hit Beck that this guy isn't your typical bathroom attendant.
Attendant: You want me to see what else you've got up there?
Beck: No, no, no. I believe you. I guess you could be God. I just expected you to look a little more like Charleston Heston or maybe, Roger Ailes; something white and Republican.
God: I am what I am and that is what I am.
Beck: Wow. You actually came to my rally. Just like I said. Hey. I hope I'm not over-reaching here, but do you think the next time I make myself cry you can make my tears look like blood? Let Olbermann try to make a joke out of that.
God: The bleeding eyes thing is really more of a Robert Rodriguez stunt. If you want, I kill the first born of every speaker here today who has lied? That'll get their attention.
Beck: Um. I don't think that's really what I'm looking for. By the way, did I mention that I didn't actually hold George Washington's speech?
God: I know.
Beck: Hey. What about you just coming out and saying something. Maybe give us your blessing.
God: Should I tell them that when you found yourself $600,000 short for the rally you prayed to Me for the money and "Within two days, without telling anyone about it, $600,000 came in""
Beck: Actually, that would be perfect.
God: I don't send money because people pray for it. I'm God, not Powerball. Why don't you just tell them what I tell you. You seem to be very good at that.
Beck: Great. Let me get a pen.
God. Don't bother. I'll just use the blackboard.
A picture of President Obama appears on the blackboard. A line from Obama materializes slowly connecting to a picture of Jeremiah Wright which connects to a picture of slaves hanging a white slave owner.
God: First of all, that thing about Obama being a racist who has a deep seated hatred for white people...
Beck: I might have been stretching a bit there.
God: You also said that the President's religious belief is a perversion of the gospel of Jesus Christ as most Christians know it. You saying that, in itself, is a perversion of my Son's gospel.
Beck: I got this big mouth...
God: You don't promote religion by demeaning another's beliefs. That would be the very opposite of what you said to those 87,000 people.
Beck: Michelle Bachman said there were over a million.
God: I created Michelle for comic relief, not calculating attendance.
Another line on the blackboard appears from Obama and connects with a picture of Hitler.
God: Then you compared Obama to Hitler.
Beck: Gotcha there. I never said he was Hitler. I just said that he was just doing the same things Hitler did.
A Fox News logo appears on the board. A line from the logo connects to a picture of a Jew in a concentration camp.
God: Then you compared Obama's treatment of Fox News to Jews being sent to concentration camps.
Beck: Well, that one is on the money. You more than anyone should know that Obama has got to dream about exterminating Fox News.
God: What is in one's dreams is their business. Using religion to attack another, is no more holy than killing 3,000 innocent people in the name of Me.
Intermission
Award-winning TV Writer, Steve Young, is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (greatfailure.com) and blogs at the appropriately properly name SteveYoungonpolitics.com