01/28/2015 10:24 am ET Updated Mar 29, 2015

A List of Lists

My data analytics consultant informs me that I am not trending, especially among millennials. She suggests I publish lists since millennials click on lists. Being data-driven, I am test-blogging potential lists. Through a new app, I will record and analyze your galvanic skin response to each list below:

• Seven irrefutable proofs that the earth was created four centuries after the Sumerians invented glue

• 205 State Department employees that are known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party

• Ten amazing, new household uses for saliva

• 412 quotations from Michel Foucault, that no one, neither Jacques Derrida, nor Susan Sontag, nor Michel Foucault himself nor Rick Perry understood

• Man (and woman) Bite Dog; 5 videos of Congressional leaders (Mitch McConnell, Harry Reid, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi and Kevin McCarthy) biting labradoodles and bichon frises

• Seven videos of House Majority Whip Steve Scalise biting civil rights demonstrators

• The 12 top, don't-miss, tourist attractions in Ft. Wayne.

• 52 happy birthday messages from the Galaxy Zork-El to Barack Obama, sent on every August 4 since 1962.

• 10 auditors former general of Burkina Faso, including Dr. Bomo Ngoro, all of whom, before death of unspeakable gore, placed $88,766,000 in an unclaimed account, of which you are offered a 50 percentinterest.

• 15 incredibly famous celebrities that you have never heard of

• 1 thing you can do with a doorknob

• 5 dweebs that Hillary Clinton dated in her sophomore and junior years at Wellesley.

• 5 state capitols that do not exist (hint, think Vermont, the Dakotas and the deep South)

• 10 amazing facts you did not know about Lithuania

• 10 amazing facts Lithuania does not know about itself

• 12 sure-fire, scientifically proven, self-descriptions to get a date tonight on the dating websites "iHookup" and "BungaBunga"

• 5 sure-fire, scientifically proven, self-descriptions to avoid a date tonight on the dating websites "Virginity Pledge" and "Shiites Mingle."

If you know some, please forward the above to millennials and ascertain their preference. After a data driven consultation with my data analytics consultant I will compile a list that will trend and maybe go viral.