11/18/2013 07:41 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2014

Layered for the Rapture

The Rapture is imminent according to several websites, including ,, and

Believers are giving away their earthly goods; disbelievers are scoffing. I have a different problem. I worry about what to wear. I have not been to rapture before and I want to fit in.

Unfortunately, I don't know which group I'll be assigned to. As I understand it we'll be divided into two groups. One group leaves earth to meet The Lord in the air. The other group is left behind.

Were I in the "meet The Lord in the air" crowd I should dress warmly. I'm not sure how high in the air we meet but it must be above interference of commercial air traffic, so it will be cold.

But would warm dress this could bespeak a lack of faith? An omniscient Lord must know it freezing up there and can presumably make provisions. But even so what provisions? He might find anywhere between 45 and 85 degrees Heavenly.

Dressing in layers could be the answer: I am thinking of a blue windowpane sports jacket (double vented) over a dark heather quarter-zip merino wool cable knit over a blue and red tattersall button down shirt. This should work for temperatures between 45 and 85. Even better this outfit would receive Devine approval so long as the Lord is Episcopalian.

But if The Lord isn't Episcopalian? What if He's Muslim? For all I know in the Islamic world a dark heather quarter-zip merino cable knit is an emblem of virginity. I do not want to be one of the 69 virgins awarded to a jihadist martyr.

Perhaps I should wear multi-layered flowing robes and sandals. This should be acceptable for the Lord-in-the-air crowd but what if I am left behind? I would be dressed like a Hare Krishna wannabe while everyone else looks a member of Hell's Angels. I could be an abject of ridicule.

Could dress itself influence my group assignment? Would be dressed like Mad Max would impede an invitation to meet The Lord in the air? This raised a more difficult question--which group did I want to join? Do I want to spend eternity with a bunch of fundamentalist wackos or with those thugs, who the Lord, after supernaturally removing the righteous from the earth, left behind. Do I really want to stick around and watch real estate value plummet as the righteous depart and those left behind cannot get a mortgage due to poor credit ratings?

Neither sounds compelling, so I will wear a blue windowpane sports jacket (double vented) over flowing saffron robes. For footwear I am undecided between sandals and wingtips.