12/31/2012 02:26 pm ET Updated Mar 02, 2013

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Remain unemployed.
2. If asked what I do, find a clever euphemism for "unemployed."
3. Win an argument with the IRS.
4. Understand why anyone above the age of 15, or with an IQ beyond that of a cauliflower, follows celebrities, or indeed anyone, on twitter.
5. Win an argument with my wife.
6. Revitalize the tired Clifford brand -- redefine brand DNA. Reawaken brand awareness. Rebuild brand loyalty. Reignite brand excitement. Reinvigorate all components of brand equity
7. Slow down and take time to celebrate life's blessings, beginning with alcohol.
8. Renew commitment to my perennial resolutions:
a. Spend less time with assholes.
b. Each morning, give thanks, that for an entire day, no one will complain to me about salary.
c. Each evening, give thanks that there may be societies where I would be considered normal.
d. Get my act together.
e. Preserve deniability.
9. Stop daydreaming. Accept that, though not impossible, it is highly unlikely that I will play center field for the Yankees.
10. In everything I do, be guided by the simple question "What Would A Mediocre Person Do?"
11. Purchase an age appropriate amount of mojo from
12. Get my mojo working.
13. Enhance, intensity and enrich my mojo.
14. Discover and copy what others do with enhanced, intensified and enriched mojo.
15. Liquidate my mojo after it has doubled in value.
16. Age resentfully.
17. Remember that that some dislike being asked, "Have you gained weight?"
18. Promote my plan to balance the budget by placing excise taxes on Super Bowl half time pageants, coffee drinks that cannot be described in three words, Texans, ring tones employing Wagnerian leitmotifs, Bordeaux vintages of the century, tea party gatherings, celebrity profiles that reveal a star's vulnerable side, cats named Cato, Catullus or Catiline, careers in telemarketing, televised poker, and people who mispronounce "desuetude" and "synecdoche."
19. Bitch appropriately.
20. Cease reading whenever I encounter the words "political gridlock," "informed sources," and "Eric Cantor."
21. Cease reading before I encounter discussions of the 2016 Presidential race.