12/30/2009 01:24 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

My New Year's Resolutions: More Polonius and Kant; Less Beck and Limbaugh

1. Spend more time with friends and family.
2. Spend less time with jerks.
3. Resolve the conflict between Resolutions #1 and Resolution #2.
4. Return all of Obama's phone calls within three days.
5. Act appropriately, unless sober.
6. Obtain the intellectual property rights to something immensely profitable.
7. Each morning, give thanks, that for an entire day, no one will complain to me about salary.
8. Each evening, repeat ten times, "It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness, but better still to curse the candle."
9. Maintain my passing efficiency rating above 115 for the entire NFL season
10. Accept that I will never win an argument with my wife.
11. Study the differences between Obama's Fascist Socialism and Obama's Socialist Fascism
12. Dress appropriately except when crashing the Vanity Fair Oscar party wearing a sari.
13. Don't text while driving, operating earth moving equipment, or having sex.
14. Slow down: Take time to smell the colors, see the music, hear the roses
15. Bribe Backwater to perform extraordinary rendition on Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh
16. Investigate why the Gates Foundation refused tot fund my grant to research whether one could get a bad meal in Tuscany.
17. Investigate why, once again, the McArthur Foundation, failed to give me a genius grant while recognizing Mixed Media Artist Mark Bradford "for incorporating ephemera from urban environments into richly textured, abstract compositions that evoke a multitude of metaphors."
18. Bitch appropriately, especially about the Gates Foundation, the MacArthur Foundation, and people who mispronounce "forte."
19. Stop correcting people who mispronounce "forte."
20. Cease reading whenever if I encounter the words "South Waziristan" or "North Waziristan."
21. Ditto for, House Minority Leader John Boehner, the County Council, and the Middle East peace process,
22. For the 17th consecutive year, remain as one of Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year.
23. Blame all my failings on technical problems, El Niño, or the dog. Failing this, admit, "Mistakes were made."
24. Enjoy and celebrate all parts of my pancreas:
a. Head
b. Uncinate process
c. Pancreatic notch
d. Body
e. Anterior surface
f. Inferior surface
g. Superior margin
h. Anterior margin
i. Inferior margin
j. Omental tuber
k. Tail
l. Duodenum
25. Grow more brown and less grey hair; otherwise age resentfully.
26. Consider stopping at yellow lights.
27. Consider stopping at red lights.
28. If convenient: Save money, reduce debt, lose weight, control emotions, reduce stress, and get in shape
29. If convenient and profitable: Give thy thoughts no tongue. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. Neither a borrower, nor lender be. This above all: to thine own self be true.
30. If convenient, profitable, and expedient: Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.
31. Identify one or more societies where I would not be considered abnormal.